Feel like giving your opinion...

[wayfaringwordhack]

...to help out a fellow writer?

Part of the mess I created was writing two different openings for a chapter (which is also the reader's 1st intro to one of the POV characters). Now that I have both, I'm a little indecisive as to which is the best/hookiest. If you have the time, would you mind giving me your opinion on which of these openings (two paras each) appeals most to you?

Keep in mind that they are nowhere near being final drafts.  It is more the moment in time that I'm interested in. Don't let the colors influence you. :P


The moment the door shut behind the last groveling slave, Baxente Llari, future ruler of the peirlands, drew back his fist and smashed the council table. Tiny chairs went flying across the model’s floor as the cedar tabletop split down the middle, legs splintering satisfyingly, crack, crack, snap. He snatched up the one leg that had not succumbed to his rage, half the table hanging from it, and broke its delicate length between forefingers and thumbs.

A pent breath shuddered out of him as he dropped the small fragments on the floor, staring in astonishment at what he had done. It had taken him a sixday to carve that table and another to get the shine to match the original in the meeting hall. He would have to do it all again. Because of the stupid sages.

-OR-

The word “no” was not foreign to Baxente LLari, but as future ruler of the peirlands, few were the times anyone dared use it to his royal person. The no’s resounded from the walls of the hexagonal council chamber, pressing Baxente against the high back of his chair, and but his so-called sages did not appear to notice the echoes. Their gazes were steady and unrepentant upon him as, one after another, they denied him, each slapping the tabletop so there could be no mistaking their vote.

His aunt Ferrexon reached across the honeywood table and patted his forearm, her charm bracelets rattling. “If we did not love you, Peirsain, we would send you off, not worrying about your safety. Only think what it would mean to Semborain to lose its heir should happen to you.”

...............................

So, the first happens, as you can imagine, after the council meeting and the second shows Baxente arguing against the council's decision. The first starts after that primary conflict, but another conflict arrives rather quickly in the form of Bax learning that he is being poisoned.

The second does show some argument and builds the world more, but it also introduces more characters and names that could confuse the reader.



Anyhow, any and all help is greatly appreciated.

ETA: Took out the bit that tatterpunk  so judiciously suggested I could cut. Goodbye, flab! Maybe I'll get better at spotting you on my own one of these days. :P

Comments

[queenoftheskies.livejournal.com]

I prefer the second because it shows us what has upset him.

[tatterpunk.livejournal.com]

I also prefer the second. I'm a big fan of rushing immediately into conflict, especially in high fantasy settings, and the reader knows immediately what is happening with the second approach. You could easily take out the middle paragraph if you want to eschew throwing around terms that won't come into play later -- there's more than enough tension with his aunt's words following the chorus of nay-votes.

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

point well-taken!

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

Thanks for weighing in!

[frigg.livejournal.com]

I vote for the second as well. I'm not keen on the "so-called", though. :p

[navicat.livejournal.com]

Second, for the reasons already stated :)

[mindseas.livejournal.com]

I liked the second because it shows the aunt's false concern. That will make her very hateful once we learn what she's doing, and make this reader root for Bax. The first scene makes him seem more like a spoiled brat. There were a couple typo's in the 2nd scene: "and but" and "to lose its heir should happen to you"

[pjthompson]

I like the first, personally. It's more active, less passive, gets the blood pumping. It doesn't make Baxente particularly sympathetic--that will come later. But then, the other one doesn't either and imnsho doesn't have much momentum. As always, I'm out of step. You should probably listen to the more experience high fantasy readers. :-)

[cathemery.livejournal.com]

The first one: paragraph one is confusing. Are the groveling slaves important? Are they the sages? They use models for council tables? Their council table is in a model?

Paragraph two does show some character: he's astonished by what he did, so he doesn't act destructively often; he's a brat, because he blames his own lack of control on the sages.

The second one: Something seems wrong with that first sentence. Like a dangling modifier type thing. "But as future ruler, few were the times" doesn't work together; "but as future ruler, he seldom heard it" does. I know you want the future ruler idea in there, but the sentence also works without it.

(I have a terrible time telling what is hooky, but I know sometimes the format of things throws me off.)

The second one seems to have more visibly at stake than the first, but the first one could probably also be made to work well.

The second one doesn't really tell us much about Baxente: that he isn't used to hearing no is one thing, but he is also pressed into his seat by the sound of it--- he does not seem like a strong character from that reaction.

It offers his aunt's personality, but I can't tell whether she is genuinely concerned or whether her concern covers some other issue. It does suggest she treats him as a youth who can be manipulated by love and reason, which must have worked in the past or she'd have given up on it, right?

Probably no help, sorry.

From Robin

[(Anonymous)]

You know me, I'll read anything. but I did seem to get more info about the character,Bax from the the second one. I think you could build from here about the relationship beteween Bax, the aunt and the Sages. I get the feeling they,(the sages and the aunt), feel they can control him, but he is not in the mood to be controlled. So much for my humble opinion. Love you
Robin

[hkneale.livejournal.com]

Prefer the second. However, the opening sentences of both are too long (the second not so bad). Don't try to cram too many ideas into the first few sentences. Have them accomplish two things, not ten.

[kmkibble75.livejournal.com]

The first one caught my attention far quicker -- mostly because of teh immediate physical display of anger. Maybe you could combine the two? Have two lines about him rarely hearing No, and then have him burst out in anger?

[rabiagale.livejournal.com]

Second. It was just more clear to me what was going on. It gave a context for the rage in the first snippet. Being thrown into unexplained violence just didn't feel right to me.

How are you?