MERRY CHRISTMAS

25 Dec 2025 08:28 pm
wayfaringwordhack: (I heart you)
[personal profile] wayfaringwordhack
 A heartfelt seasonal greeting from the depths of The Ick.  All five of us are suffering from the virus that seems to have blighted Lebanon this Christmas.  But we are so happy that we are all in the same country together this year.  Yes, our neighbors to the south are still flying their drones, making sure to start them last night--they literally came into my hearing range when the church bells started chiming for the midnight mass--and keep up their flight this day; but there is no war at the moment to keep our family apart.  

I hope you are all having a healthy, joyous day with those you care about. 

Payment Overdue

24 Dec 2025 08:12 am
mallorys_camera: (Default)
[personal profile] mallorys_camera


Invoice still has not been paid.

Client has responded to my tactful emails by saying (a) accountant has received the invoice and (b) things are slow due to the holiday season and most of the staff are off.

Do I believe them?

No.

I think they are having cash flow issues.

I am trying not to see this as a referendum on my worth as a human being on Planet Earth, but I gotta say it's difficult: Their cash flow situation has now become my cash flow situation! The interconnectness of all human beings is not always a blessing (cf. bubonic plague & corona virus epidemics.)

Resilience! I counsel myself. 80% to 90% of all freelance invoices get paid—eventually. (I made that number up.)

Resilience is a hard sell, though. I've always had such a hard time with uncertainty that often, I find myself sabotaging situations because a negative outcome feels better than an uncertain outcome.

It's a good thing I took that tax position with Soul-Sucking Company.

I was hoping it was going to supplement my freelance income, but this morning I am thinking it will have to replace my freelance income: Assuming the invoice does get paid (which is still the most likely outcome), I don't think I can deal with the post-invoicing anxiety anymore. When I lived in Dutchess County, my living expenses were a lot lower, and I had a small savings account that gave me some peace of mind in situations like this. Now, I don't.

###

Anyway, I must figure out a way to offset the anxiety because I have about 500 pages of the U.S. tax code to memorize—well nigh Talmudic in its abstruseness—& then I will be toddling off to the gym, and thence, to NYC for Flushing Chinese and Hamnet with Flavia & Betsy. Chinese food & movies are the traditional Jewish Xmas celebration.

I really, really miss Brian. He is the one person I could talk to about this. He would enfold me in his warm and magnetic personality and give me wise counsel. Instead I am writing it here & picturing invisible people shaking their heads: Gawd! She's such a trainwreck.

Into

23 Dec 2025 07:13 pm
michaelboy: (Default)
[personal profile] michaelboy
What we take into our own hands can be so immense and is often greater than and outside our awareness – or even our doing. The hands of others play deeply into our lives and even if you’ve done everything right, it certainly isn’t healthy to repeatedly punch yourself for every inequity.

* * *

"Then away out in the woods I heard that kind of a sound that a ghost makes when it wants to tell about something that’s on its mind and can’t make itself understood, and so can’t rest easy in its grave, and has to go about that way every night grieving."

From: The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain



underneath this

23 Dec 2025 02:50 pm
asakiyume: (cloud snow)
[personal profile] asakiyume
Some while ago I was taking R and her kids for green card photos, and as we left their apartment, her two middle children, the boys (about nine and twelve years old), started asking me urgent questions along these lines:

"Under here," (indicating the apartment building) "is there something?"

"Something like what?" I asked.

"Something ... like another house? Where people live?"

"Most buildings around here have basements," I said. "So there's probably a basement. A place for storing things and for machinery for the building. But no one lives in it." Then, thinking about how there are, in fact, basement apartments, I said, "Sometimes people do live in the basement. But if people are living there, then there are little windows here." (I pointed at the ground line of the apartment building.) "Your building doesn't have any, see? So no one lives down there."

"No, no," said the older one. "Not just under here. Under all this." This time he spread his arms to indicate the roads, the other apartment buildings.

Remembering the Spanish teacher I had in Medellín who confessed to believing in lizard people in her younger days (and still seemed to find the possibility credible), I said, "No. There's no one living under all this."

"But then what's this?" they both asked, taking me over to a mysterious circular trap-door-like thing in the snow:

mystery portal in situ
A circular trap door on the snow, near an apartment building.

mystery portal up close
a metal circle, about twice as large as a manhole cover, on the snowy ground

You can't tell from the photos--which I took some days after the fact; we were in a hurry that day--but it's quite large, maybe twice the diameter of a manhole cover, maybe a little larger even than that.

"I don't know what that's for," I confessed. "But I promise you, no one lives down there."

They looked at me half skeptically, half pityingly, and honestly, in the moment I definitely felt doubtful myself. Maybe there was a secret research center down there? A hidden playground? Handy micro nuclear missile silo? Storehouse of extortionate landlord gains? Might not the evil apartment management company, when it receives payment, convert it directly into gold bars and store it under there?

Who can honestly say?

Miscellenea

22 Dec 2025 12:47 pm
mallorys_camera: (Default)
[personal profile] mallorys_camera
Flavia sent me the perfect solstice sunrise:



And RTT got sworn in this morning:



Persistence

21 Dec 2025 09:14 pm
michaelboy: (Default)
[personal profile] michaelboy
The parts of you, that echo in me
rest quietly in the curve of knowing
that whatever besets you becomes
an immaculate fold into my wonder


Watercolor! Happy Solstice!

21 Dec 2025 10:41 pm
eller: iron ball (Default)
[personal profile] eller
No, this was actually not planned, but a funny and very fitting coincidence: finally, my newest homemade watercolor is ready! Today is the best day to publish a paint called "Living Sun", right? Happy Solstice to everyone who celebrates, and a wonderful time to everyone else, too! :D

Living Sun kl

Filling the pans took a while: I learned that PY159 is a very annoying pigment, even more difficult to work with than the PB71 I already complained about. It loves to unmix and it loves to make awful lumps that no amount of grinding managed to remove: after an hour, new lumps inevitably formed. I'm soooo glad I somehow got this into the pans!

Living Sun Npfchen

I added a small amount of PY138 because... PY159 granulates nicely but is not a particularly intense color. So, the PY138 (which is a cool and very intense yellow) unmixes on the paper from the (warm) PY159, and it's an effect I'm actually very happy with. Looks much nicer in real life than in the photo!

Random Ramble

20 Dec 2025 08:27 pm
michaelboy: (Default)
[personal profile] michaelboy
The first week of this month and this weekend were deer hunting gun season days here in Ohio. There are also deer archery hunting days that run for a few months in the fall and winter.

While I understand the right to hunt and understanding that this method is probably more humane than what transpires in most factory farms, it is still difficult for me.

Being a vegetarian for over five decades, I know that animals perish even in the fruit, vegetable and dairy industries, so I'm not completely separate from animal demise in the production of food.

During last year's hunting season, the buck who I called "Fuzz Head" and that was the son of "Star", perished. I haven't seen Star for a few weeks now and I'm afraid she is gone now too.

She bore four sets of beautiful fawns and I had grown quite attached to her. Yes, she was a wild animal but still... if she is gone, I am going to miss her and her pretty face a whole lot.



* * *

While many enjoy it, I just cannot find a way to like any of the music produced by The Trans Siberian Orchestra. It just seems so over-produced, synthetic, and migraine inducing. Maybe I'm just getting to be a cranky old man.

Will you hold fast?

19 Dec 2025 06:58 pm
asakiyume: (highwayman)
[personal profile] asakiyume
Earlier this month my mother's old sewing basket ended up with me. It had so many spools of thread, including ancient wooden spools that were sold, back in the day, for just 55 cents. These old wooden spools had a message stamped on them:

FAST
TO
BOILING

The spool has "Fast to boiling" and "15¢" stamped on it

This blue thread swears to you that it will hold fast, will not turn fugitive and fade or run, even in the face of boiling water. What a heroic promise! In the face of torture this thread will remain (stead)fast.

If I sew with this thread, I'll do so with reverence for its commitment.

Answers to The Friday Five

19 Dec 2025 03:54 pm
dray: (Default)
[personal profile] dray
Has it already been a full week?! Why does this always keep happening? Here's this week's prompts from [community profile] thefridayfive.

1. What is one thing about you that you hate?

Ooh, tough! I dislike that I have a tough time making decisions. I'd say that I've gone so far as to 'hate' that about myself, but I'm trying to be more forgiving.

2. What is one thing about you that you love?

Also tough! Damn, this week's too hard! I usually can live my values: compassion, kindness and care mean a lot to me and I'd love receiving them, so I try to keep that available for others in case they're in the same boat.

3. If you had to change one thing about you what would it be and why?

Probably my ability to socialize. I wear out very quickly around people and wind up being pretty lonely for it, because I don't have the ability to make connections that are all that deep before everything feels exhausting.

4. What is one word that you would use to define yourself?

"Infodesk", lol— when we got out, it's not unusual to have strangers go so far as to cross streets to ask me where something is or how to get from X to Y. It's like there's a big ? hanging out over my head because strangers think I can answer any questions!

5. Imagine what you would look like in a perfect world...what do you look like?

Physically look like? Externiality of the world around me? Interniality? My neurodivergence might be getting the better of me but I don't know how specific this question wants to be answered. I would say that a perfect world would be less about changing myself, and more about changing our culture. A perfect world would be deeply socialist, with lots of community and support available to all. In that world, I'd be working a lot less, affording better food, and spending more of my time helping friends and family with little errands and tasks between doing art and writing. So, I think I'd probably be just as tired, but for very different reasons. Maybe I'd dye my hair some funky colours, but otherwise I'm happy with how I look, given the circumstances, lol!

Team Borg

19 Dec 2025 10:06 am
mallorys_camera: (Default)
[personal profile] mallorys_camera
It's raining & very warm for this time of year, in the mid-50°s.

Temps are supposed to drop precipitously by the end of the day, which, since I am utterly neurotic, is making me worry about the drive to Betsy's house tomorrow. She lives in deepest, darkest Westchester County near the Connecticut border: The roads will be rivers of ice, right? Who knows if I'll even make it to the end of my driveway?

Obsessing about slipping and sliding on ice-encrusted roads is a good diistraction from obsessing about how the kiskas & I will be forced to move into a refrigerator box beneath the bridge because the client whom I invoiced yesterday will never pay me.

###

Yesterday was productive. I wrote 1,000+ words on the Work in Progress.

I do wish Brian were still around to bounce tasteless, black humor dialogue about dying of COVID in a hospital off of. It's an essential component of Chapter 4, and it is very difficult to write convincing banter on your own.

In the evening, I watched a few episodes of Pluribus, about a person who is immune to the virus that suddenly converts practically everyone on Planet Earth to blissful one-mind-hood.

It's an interesting premise with one big flaw: I don't much like the protagonist who's supposed to embody rugged individualism. She's just not very sympatique. So, while typically I'd root against the hive mind, in this one, I'm Team Borg all the way.

All that I cannot give you

18 Dec 2025 07:31 pm
michaelboy: (Default)
[personal profile] michaelboy
A comfort you’ve known
or a simple night-sound
(to which you’ve grown accustomed)
The peculiar floor creaking
in rambling from room-to-room
and the plumbing that clamors
at night over a glass of water
There are so many things
I cannot give you, yet
there are a few in me
that I will always
(or want to -- at least)

Treatment

18 Dec 2025 11:47 am
mallorys_camera: (Default)
[personal profile] mallorys_camera



Scene 1 (Very vivid in my brain):

An outdoor tent at the fictional Wiltwyck Hospital under which people gather when they think they have COVID. The tent is pitched right outside the very oldest part of the hospital complex, the original building constructed in 1874, and it fronts a grove of very old trees (sugar maples? red oaks? white ash?) where birds sing and squirrels scamper, so the whole scene is very surreal, like a demented Hamptons garden party.

Since the pandemic went official, Grazia has barely been inside the hospital. Her job is to assess patients who score positive on the antigen test. Most of them are dispatched home. A few are culled from the herd and sent inside. It's kind of like a conveyor belt job in a donut factory. Simple. Mindless.

The 2020 summer in upstate New York was the hottest summer since they started keeping records. (That record has since been broken.) Inside her scrubs, beneath her full-isolation drag, Grazia is sweating like a pig and her breath rises up from her surgical mask & fogs the non-prescription glasses she's taken to buying at the Dollar Store because the hospital is too cheap to spring for protective eye gear.

She wants an N95 mask. The hospital won't spring for those, either. She even goes to a strip mall Home Depot for painter N95s though she knows they don't reliably protect against fluids.

She buys the last one anyway, wears it to work one day.

When she takes it off that night, her face is bruised.

###

Scene 2 (a jump):

The ER Director tells Grazia she is being floated inside the hospital because they're short-staffed. She objects to no avail.

Status detail about how the interior of the hospital where the ER once was is practically unrecognizeable—temporary space dividers cordoning off the space in weird ways.

###

Scene 3 (murky!):

The ICU. Six COVID patients. They look like extras in some weird science fiction movie about what happens after the aliens invade and start doing weird experiments on humans. Grazia is not taking care of the humans, she is taking care of their medical equipment. After all, the humans die. But the medical equipment can be reused!

Lots of grim medical status detail.

Grazia befriends a nurse named Julie. They do black humor banter.

###

Scene 4 (not thought out at all):

Julie gets COVID & ends up in the ICU, where she dies.

Grazia has a mental breakdown & ends up joining a religious cult.

Scene 5 (not thought out at all):

Neal rescues Grazia from the religious cult and nurses her back to mental stability.

Last bit has to be a conversation on Neal's front porch in the Catskills—so the prose can segue back to the opening scene of the novel when the five women are congregating there.

###

The religious interest is already pretty well foreshadowed, but I'll have to do some serious foreshadowing around the cult itself, plus decide: Is it a Christian cult or some weird Eastern Yoga cult?

When I first began tromping the local rail trail, I was flabbergasted to discover a Muktanada temple abutted it. Muktananda, an Indian yogic transplant, had a huge temple complex in Oakland; I once actually had a boyfriend who was a devotee. Muktananda's spiritual superpower apparently was the spontaneous awakening of kundalini in others. He particularly liked to awaken kundalini in underage female acolytes.

So, you know. A weird yoga cult appeals!

Except weird yoga cults are rarely evangelical, and I think Grazia must first become conscious of the cult because they set up some kind of recruitment station on the outskirts of the hospital's COVID tent.

But, hey! It's my party, and I can write what I want to. (Cue Leslie Gore.)

###

In other news...

Submitted a client invoice, which means I'm going to spend the next five days having massive anxiety attacks. (What if they never pay me???)

Also, the nearest train station to Betsy's house, where I will be spending the weekend, turns out to be on the Harlem Metro North line. Which means I'm gonna have to drive there.

At least the weather is temporarily warmer: Rumor has it temps will hit 50° today!

And RTT moderated a meeting between Ithaca's mayor & the downtown merchants last night. He looked spiffy:

[community profile] ocrealm Discussion Prompt #1

16 Dec 2025 06:27 pm
dray: (Terrarium - Blue)
[personal profile] dray
Let's get this party started! [community profile] ocrealm's first discussion prompt is this:

What inspired you to make your OC(s)?


Now, I believe we're supposed to reply to that comment with our own replies, but I wanted to ramble! So, below are several settings with several OC's origins. If you'd like to learn a bit about where my blorbos come from, hop past the link with me! )


Okay! That was a lot! These are the main boatload of characters that I'll be playing with over at [community profile] ocrealm so I figured I'd share them all now and use this as a point of reference for later... but if you've managed to read this far, thank you for staying with me! ^_^ I love writing, and it gets hard sometimes to break through that thick wall of creative block... but playing is such a crucial part of... I don't know. Feeling safe? Feeling human? That I'm glad to be dabbling again.

Community Thursday

18 Dec 2025 11:33 am
dray: (Terrarium - Blue)
[personal profile] dray
Welcome back to Dray's edition of Community Thursday (which I recently learned from [personal profile] vriddy was started all the way back in 2021 by [personal profile] goodbyebird in a [community profile] snowflake_challenge post from 2022! Talk about keeping it going strong!)

I've jumped both heels into [community profile] ocrealm! Popped a long ramble about my OC's and introductions in my own journal, here.

Joined [community profile] holiday_wishes just recently (better late than never) and I'll likely be looking for ways to help build out my reading page with more community content. I feel so out of the loop with everyone and everything, and kind of genuinely just want to find ways to get looped into a healthy community, so I'll be working on thinking up how to ask those wishes.

I've been cheering folks on in [community profile] iconcolors! What I really want is a place to draw OC icons with other artists that has semi-regular prompts, but I would need resources to stay on top of the community-making if I wound up having to be in charge of it. In the meantime, fannish communities based around icon making have been really nice!

[community profile] bookheaven seems to have a dedicated poster reviewing recent reads. I'd be curious to see more people posting there; I like that format for recommendations.

I remembered that [community profile] bakerstreet exists and have followed it just to see what shenanigans are going on. I have'd RP'd here in a while (barring a test drive or two with my tiefling OC, [personal profile] vegalthon, who I'd love to play again some day! Memes used to be my home base before I joined my first DWRP game. They're their own little unique community.

[community profile] voiceinmyear had a recommendation for Parkdale Haunt, a spooky podcast that sounds as though it quickly devolves into something much more horror-based. It's set in Toronto, Canada, which is neat (so rarely do I get to see Canadian content!) and the first season's been a delight, so far. I'm looking forward to more.
michaelboy: (Default)
[personal profile] michaelboy


These things seem to appear everywhere: roadways, sidewalks, parking lots, parks, floors, playgrounds, creeks, stairwells, etc.

Being rather non eco-friendly, especially in terms of being a single-use plastic, they also apparently can be a major cause of gum damage. As my dentist put it, a user tends to "saw" into their gum line. Plus, since the string is rigid, it is difficult to properly work the floss around the tooth, especially at the base of each tooth.

Beyond all of this, I just can't imagine performing dental care in my car or while strolling down the street and then simply tossing said tools on the ground. Dental care just seems better done at home.

Now that you've read this, according to the aforementioned phenomenon, you will more than likely start seeing these dental picks everywhere (usually in a dull bluish-green color) as I do.

You're welcome.

My Kyoto

16 Dec 2025 11:07 am
asakiyume: (miroku)
[personal profile] asakiyume
Not to be all Youtube recs all the time, but the same mutual who shared the Greensleeves video shared this tribute to the city of Kyoto via a compilation of anime clips set in Kyoto, to the tune of "Toki Doki" by Takénobu, which has the chorus "boku no Kyoto" (my Kyoto), and I loved it very much.

Since several of my Dreamwidth friends have been to Kyoto and are fond of the city, I had to share. You can also go to the AO3 location and leave the creator some kudos if you're inclined :-)

Yucking My Yum

16 Dec 2025 10:23 am
mallorys_camera: (Default)
[personal profile] mallorys_camera


My newest game involves pretending I am a researcher at the North Pole, in Antarctica, on the frozen surface of Mars. I am here to do field observations! (Today, Hideous White Stuff fell from the sky.) I am quite alone. I keep in close contact with a battalion of fellow scientists through phone & text, but I will continue to be isolated from all human contact until the thaw...

After all, this is the coldest December in many years. Or so we're being told.

###

RTT shared my sadness over Rob Reiner's death. "The Princess Bride was my favorite movie growing up!" he told me. Which I kinda don't think is true, but I appreciated the solidarity.

Ichabod, the implacable social justice warrior, was sniffier. I don’t want to yuck your yum, he texted, and it is sad…and I get that celebrities and rich people mean more to us as a culture than pretty much anybody else besides friends and family…but there’s just so much including death that feels sadder and more tragic to me right now.

(Yuck my yum??? I'm in ❤️LUV❤️)

I tried explaining it to him.

No, I'm not stanning. At least, I don't think I'm stanning.

I don't feel like I knew Rob Reiner. Though I do kinda feel like I stood next to him on an elevator once, and we exchanged pleasantries.

It's more like Reiner repped what I might call the consumate Boomer ethos. And I am a Boomer. His work spoke to me. It was a far less personal conversation than the one I might have with, say, Fellini (La Strada), or Joseph Losey (The Go Between), or Truffaut (Les quatre cents coups). Reiner didn't know anything about my soul. But he knew a lot about my circumstances.

Reiner was no auteur!

The only film of his that broke any kind of precedent was This Is Spinal Tap, which more-or-less invented the mockumentary genre.

He had no signature visual style. Cinematically, you could call him a Steven Spielberg wannabe.

His films were often humorous, but then, he directed scripts by funny screenwriters, William Goldman, Nora Ephron. (Though, reportedly, I'll have what she's having—the funniest line in When Harry Met Sally—was a Reiner ad lib.)

But his films—more craft than art, as I say—were kind of like a series of dioramas in some great museum of Boomer Life.

###

Take When Harry Met Sally..., which I watched last night.

I don't know whether Ichabod has ever seen When Harry Met Sally... but I'm certain he would dislike it. Its basic thesis—Discuss: Men & women cannot be friends!—would not strike him as mischievous or playful at all, but as abhorrent. He would sit patiently through the closing credits and then announce, Gender is an artificial concept. Which, of course, is true.

Attitudes change.

We are biased in favor of the attitudes that informed our youths (roughly defined as that time in our life when we first realized we could manifest our own opinions. For most people, that's the early 20s.)

But if personal growth is a goal, one realizes that the social/cultural matrix has evolved into a different thing than it was during our youth. And we change our attitudes.

Those early attitudes continue to survive, though—even thrive—in the music and movies we love.

Running Out of Dopamine

15 Dec 2025 11:39 am
mallorys_camera: (Default)
[personal profile] mallorys_camera


Rob Reiner & wife stabbed to death in their Brentwood mansion...

This one made me very sad.

###

Rob Reiner was a mensch. The perfect representative for my particular cultural cohort. His movies had exactly the right blend of sentimentality & snark, his politics exactly the right blend of liberal bonhomie & a kind of Eisenhower presidency wholesomeness.

And he was Jewish. Which means he communicated in an unspoken language I know very intimately. Sigh...

Likely killer is one of their sons, which makes it all the sadder.

I've always had this theory about people who live what appear to be charmed lives, that their lives are kind of a trade-off, that their privelege comes with a karmic price tag. Of course, outcomes that seem obvious today were rarely obvious in the moment. Still. It always seems as though these lives contain at least one episode of catastrophic suffering so the Universe will maintain its implacable balance. As though the absolute value of all the positive things—the money, the fame—is refuted by the absolute value of the one horrifying thing—the pain, betrayal—so you die with a karma balance of zero.

I am picturing that office in Bardo where you sit in front of a blonde wood desk helmed by a reincarnation broker. So, says the broker. There's something opening up in the Orion-Cygnus sector. You'll make movies! You'll have all the freedom a $200 million fortune can buy! But in the last 12 hours of your life, a haploid DNA replicant will slit your throat—very painful—and loom over you, mocking, while you exsanguinate & strangle. Sound good? Should I sign you up?

###

And, too, there was the Bondi Beach massacre. That took place at a Chanukah festival.

Chanukah has been given a lot of attention in recent years. Traditionally, it was a minor holiday, but it's been elevated in prominence so that Jews will have parity with Xtains when it comes to repurposed solstice celebrations. It's a holiday that ostensibly celebrates miracles. What was the miracle here? That a Holocaust survivor died protecting his Holocaust survivor wife?

This one happened in Australia. Where everyone walks around upside down. Horrifying though it was, it had less of a personal impact. But still. I've started wondering again: Which friends will hide me in their attic?

###

I had lots of plans for the weekend, but in the end, I did very little. Motivation is just not there. Nothing seems to matter very much. I could just sit in a corner with my eyes unfocused for hours doing nothing. I wouldn't even get bored.

Is this depression? But I wasn't feeling particularly teary or sad till I read about Rob Reiner this morning.

I wonder if I'm still in some kind of refractory period from the Wellbutrin OD. Wellbutrin is a dopamine reuptake inhibitor; dopamine is the neurotransmitter that signals the brain when a task is worth doing. During the OD, my nervous system was awash and aslosh with excess dopamine! Maybe after something like that happens, you deplete all your dopamine and it takes those little cellular chemical factories a while to work the levels back up to normal.

Or maybe the world sucks, and I'm a Buddhist at last because finally, finally, I get that it's not worth doing anything except detaching.

Who knows?

###

This just in. Trump's response to the Rob Reiner murder:



I can't even...

If Mary Anning Only Knew

14 Dec 2025 08:13 pm
michaelboy: (Default)
[personal profile] michaelboy
He sells himself selfishly
down by the sea shore.

And in his embarassment
folds a hand gently yet
to inspire the delicate scent
of her lingering perfume
that has never been near
his own wrinkling hand.

How could it be that
wishing willy-nilly
has made it fugacious
like tide and sea-foam
yet persistent now
as the breaking waves.

The wind of wishing
but for weaknesses
in desperate whispers
of a hunger’s pang
or the siren’s song
by his own invention
and frantic invitation.

She sells sea shells.

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wayfaringwordhack

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