The Wayfaring Wordhack

 Hello, fellow bloggers.

Poking my head out of Internet obscurity to say we have been back in Lebanon for a week, come midnight.  Our last two months in France were chaotic, not only with the holidays and goodbyes, but because I was diagnosed with stage 3 (of 4) of osteoarthritis in my left knee.  ( Health ramble, feel free to skip )
I got out my paints and finished the two paintings I had started before leaving last summer.  Here is one of them:


Fishers on the Nile, watersoluble oils

On a brighter side, we came back to the storms and rain.  I really love the crazy winter weather here, especially when there is lots of thunder and lightning.  But it is nice when the sun shines, too, and you can get both in the same day. 😁
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* He came back to get some work done on the house, like installing a new shower stall.  Poor guy had no help from me because I was laid out on the couch. Thankfully, Farmer Boy was a huge help, and with Sprout chipping in, too, they were able to get it done.

**Things are calm here on the political and conflict fronts, so I am talking more about do the kids want to do activities, and if so, which ones, etc. etc.

 ...has been nagging me for weeks.  And yet, as per my usual feelings, once I get the window open, I feel rather unmotivated and instead wander away, leaving the check-in for another day or month.

Our return to France went well overall (none of the Murphy's Law travel mishaps rated on the Absolutely Catastrophic Scale), as I mentioned.  One thing I didn't go into was finding a nest of 10-12 mice in a drawer when we arrived at midnight.  We dumped them out the front window, leaving the shredded debris of papers to be sorted later.  Happily for us, if not the mice, the mouse invasion came to a quick close with the demise of two adults the following day in strategically-placed traps.

I was happy to note that my allergies were much less debilitating than they were last summer, and after suffering a mere three weeks or so, I was feeling pretty normal.  Sadly, near the end of that J had to return to Lebanon for work, a whole 3 days early due to an error on the part of the travel agent which was, sadly, irremediable.

And the day he left, Ti'Loup started experiencing weird stomach pains, involving extended burps and bouts of nausea.  We are still running tests to find out what is wrong, for lo though we are three weeks on from the onset, he has yet to kick whatever it is.  He has an appt for an abdominal ultrasound on Monday.  I hope we'll get some answers.  At least the virus that all three kids came down with, beginning with Farmer Boy last Wednesday, has run its course, and they are all back to normal in that regard.  Dealing with feverish kids, who are delirious during the night hours, is no fun, let me tell you.

And in the midst of this all we have had our second year running of bats believing our house to be an ideal place to start a colony.  It began with me finding 4 momma bats and their babies stuck in our sink one morning.  That same day we found 15 more (14 adults and one baby) hanging in the living room drapes.  We have found way more bats in one go than last year, and there continues to be bats getting in--and tragically, babies being abandoned--but overall, I feel there is less death than last year.  I gave up keeping any kind of total, but I hope we are at the end of it for this year.  I hope to get someone to come install a net on our chimney pots to keep this from happening again next year, if indeed that is where they are getting in.  I can't think of any other places...

On the art front, I have been productive despite a slump in motivation and the typical artist angst of "What am I doing? Who do I think I am kidding?"  which are completely silly thoughts to have since all my endeavors are just for my pleasure and fun.  I am such a perfectionist (a ready-made excuse for failure if ever there was one) and have a supremely realistic view as to my lack of je ne sais quoi (call it "spark" or "genius") in terms of artistic skill.  This is a deadly combo when contentment with one's creations is at stake.  Still, I carry on, knowing that this too shall pass.  Been creating one way or another for long enough to know that for truth.

There.  I have posted something.  Hooray, for I consider that a good first step in overcoming the blah.

Post-script:  And a second step, ahem, would be to do some housework.  I feel so blah about housework that the lethargy is crippling.  But if only I could get everything in order, I would feel so much more relaxed.  Seeing as how we will be having guests very shortly, I really, really, really need to get on the ball with it.

This has been a crazy month.  I thought to have some downtime between the end of my drawing time and the start of my painting class, time I could spend continuing with my drawing practice, improving and cementing what I learned.  But life had other plans.  I got exactly one drawing in.

With the two Easters celebrated here in Lebanon and Ramadan, the school attended by our kids' friends was out for three weeks.  So, we were inundated with invitations and activities. We went to a big Easter egg hunt in a park in the mountains, fossil hunting, lots of informal playdates, dinner with friends, and on and on.  And our kids worked several times on the fort they have built with friends at a nearby creek.  We also loaned (and are still loaning) our car to J's Lebanese cousin, G, because her son is using hers to attend his internship. I periodically have to borrow our car back and that weirdly makes me feel like I can't because I don't want to put G out.  

I also had crowns put on my top two front teeth by the most unprofessional dentist I have ever visited in my life.  It was a process so long and painful as to become almost comedic in its sheer badness.  What should have taken a week, maybe two, ended up taking a month.  The dentist said, "See you in 20 years," but I fear we will have to see him sooner. Not for dentistry--that will never happen again--but because he is a spearfisher and J is a spearfisher, and the two of them plan on spearfishing together. And the dentist would like to invite us out to dinner at a good fish restaurant he knows. Maybe I can ask J to get himself invited in the family's stead while the rest of us are in France for the summer.

If it isn't enough to have to fix my teeth, I have to get new glasses, after only a year of having these.  Progressive lenses are expensive! And the fact that I have to wear the glasses all the time now means that I am getting to where I can't stand the weight of my current frames.  My nose is constantly sensitive, and I feel my nasal passages are being pinched, meaning it isn't so easy to breathe.  So, I sprung for some reallllllly light frames. Only I didn't ask the price first.  OUCH.  But I really think they will be better--and I am stuck with glasses for the rest of my life--so I went ahead and got them.  They should be ready next week.

In the past month, our Internet went out twice, a week each time. And of course, my online painting class started just when I really needed access to the Internet.  

So, I lay all that groundwork to bring up the thing that was really hard.

Amidst all that bustle, not one but two families in our circle of friends here had their kids (one seven and the other four) diagnosed with brain tumors.  The 7-yo ( a little Lebanese girl) is reacting well to medication. She'll have another MRI on the 3rd to find out what the next steps are. But the 4-yo (an American boy) had to have emergency surgery. It went amazingly well, and I was able to donate blood for him.* They are still waiting on the pathology report.

This is such a hard, terrifying thing for the families to go through. I cannot begin to imagine the fear that gripped (and still grips) them.  It seems silly and self-centered to say how we have been affected, too, but yes, it *has* affected us and our kids. It makes it hard to be in a good state to get things done.   

We are going back to France for the summer in less than a month now (eep). I need to get myself together so I can prepare for that and take care of some remaining logistics.  It is going to be a quieter, more relaxed time there, but we already have two birthdays lined up--one a camping trip--plus visits to the south to J's family.  Also, I know from experience, there are going to be other things to either do or field, which for my personality is exhausting.  Still, I am looking forward to being a bit of a hermit when permitted.  Also, we travel before my painting class ends, so I will have a week of that to do in France. One of the logistics is figuring out the Internet situation.  Do we get a router for 3 months and then resign or try to do everything off a mobile phone data subscription?



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* I don't know if I already blogged about this--what stays in my head as something I would like to blog about and what actually makes it into pixels is hard to keep track of--but giving blood in Lebanon is a nightmare.  I tried to give before, only to be told I didn't have enough blood.  When I asked what I could do about that, the answer was nothing. I then, a week later during a personal blood test, asked a lab tech (a young 20s something woman) why I couldn't donate, she told me, "Women are not desirable donors."  Ugh. 

Since then, I have also heard about people being turned away because the hospital didn't want European blood, another didn't want American blood. Just turn around and go home if you have ever been to Africa...

Gripe 1) The Obnoxious Natour - we had another "incident" with the natour.  J got stuck in the lift a few days after we arrived back in Lebanon. (You would think we wouldn't use it.  The kids don't; they are smarter than we adults, but living on the fifth floor makes it so tempting.) After frantically trying to get him out myself and asking a neighbor for help, I knocked on the natour's (dark) door, hoping he was home and I could make him understand.  Well, it turns out he was home but sleeping and did not take well to me needing his help.  With a disgusted look, he proceeded to unblock the lift, giving me a further dirty look and shooing me away when I tried to get closer to see exactly what he was doing.  Not caring that he couldn't understand me, I told him I did not appreciate his attitude.  He understood my countenance and tone if not my words and smirked a bit.  I was on the phone with J the whole time, so when he got out, he asked the guy if he had a problem with me.  The natour made out like it was the lift that was the problem.  However, ever since then, he leaves our garbage in front of our door for at least 2 days before collecting.  Since we eat fish everynight, this is not good.  But our landlord is coming by today to collect rent, and I am going to have 4 bags stinky garbage to show and HE can talk to the natour. 

It will be just my luck if the natour breaks habit and picks up the stuff early.  (He angrily told our neighbor that he works 7pm-7am and we shouldn't disturb him any other time.  Well, Mister We-Pay-You-for-Nothing, you were ON DUTY when we arrived at 5 a.m. and needed help with the elevator and our bags. 

Gripe 2: Noisy Neighbors - Night before last, I had to go upstairs at 11:40 p.m. to ask our neighbors to please keep down the noise.  They have two boys (between 2 and 4, I think) whom they let stay up until all hours, and it was a free-for-all right above our beds.  They nicely took care of it.  But last night, before I went to bed (around 9 because I was so wiped out from the previous bad night), they were making noise that sounded, I kid you not, like fighter jets flying overhead.  Knowing it was too early to complain, I went to bed anyhow, praying it would soon cease.  It did.  However, they woke me from sleep at 1:40 a.m. with more shouting, squealing, banging...and I was wearing earplugs.  I wasn't the only one in the family to be awakened by them.  Even the kids and J complained this morning, and they all sleep like stones. :-/

Gripe 3 - What is this Hot Water you speak of? - We, yet again, do not have hot water...and have not had since Tuesday. There is something wrong with the pump, and if we try to use hot water, it comes out as such a faint trickle that it seeps down the shower tiles, and we can't even wet ourselves.  So, we are back to showering with a bucket (We let the water trickle for about 30 minutes into a bucket and then scoop and pour it over ourselves) or, for those with a membership, using the pool facilities to get clean...  The landlord, as I mentioned, is coming by today with a plumber, so one can hope that this latest annoyance is almost at an end.

HURRAH! - The temperatures and humidity have improved, making a fan at night almost obsolete, and meaning that there are less people using A/Cs, etc.  As a result, for the second day in a row, we have a nice view of Beirut and the sea.  Two photos for comparison: 












The photos were taken at different times of the day, but you can still see the difference in pollution levels.

We are still looking for a flat, but our landlord has expressed his "preference" that we stay until the end of December.*

We continue to look.  And live in a weird sort of limbo.  

However, we have bought our tickets and will be going to France for 3 weeks in September.  The kids are wildly excited about going home and getting to be in their house with their things and see their friends and family.  They love all their new friends and their activities here, but they still miss what we left behind.  Sometimes, J and I (who have been uprooted pretty much from day one of our lives) sometimes forget how precious our place is to them.  We may or may not go back and spend more years in this place--and we have prepared the kids for that--but for now it is their touchstone, their happy place, their home.

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* We signed a one-year contract, but there is nothing in the document that says how to proceed if we want to leave earlier (no length of notice, etc.).  The contract's main purpose is to set the rent for 1 year to insure it can't be changed and to make sure the *owner* can't kick out the tenants.  Another flat-owner told us, as a lawyer, that our landlord has no legal backing to make us stay.  Maybe I will make another post about why we are leaving...

 After doing a great job meeting all my art goals, I had a rough beginning to this week, starting with a stomach bug and um, all that ensues.  This is exactly the sort of thing that comes along and totally knocks me off track when I set myself a certain goal.*  When one has work or school, say--some outside entity holding one responsible for work accomplished--it is easy (easier) to look at what needs to be done and get back to doing it.  I always lack that with my personal goals. 

Now that I am better, I am going to dust myself off and get back at it.  I think that "Ok, what did I miss and what do I need to make up?" has been missing from these derailing incidents in the past.  Not the looking at it and seeing what needs to be done,** but the attitude of "outside entity" and treating my projects with the same respect I would treat a friend's or employer's projects.


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* I have been doing stuff but not the stuff I said I would do, thereby assuaging any feelings of failure.  This might read like I am coming down hard on myself, but that is not what I am getting at.  I am trying to understand the psychology of how I drift away from doing the thing I said I would do; how it is that one day I look up and say, "Hey, wasn't I supposed to be doing X?  Whatever happened to Y intention?"

** I almost always look and often feel overwhelmed by a sense of "being too far behind," whereas what I want to cultivate is the idea that accountability to and respect for myself is valid and deserves my follow-through.

 

Forgive the weird photo, but this a snapshot of the front of our building, taken by leaning over the balcony railing--in the rain--without letting my phone plummet 5 stories to the ground....


but I needed to give you an idea of what I am going to moan about. :P  Let me preface this by saying that I am a fan of electrical storms and have always gotten a thrill when a really good thunderstorm gets going.*  Last night, around 11p.m. a doozy of a storm started and went on until 8 am this morning. ** With the valleys running from the mountains to the sea, each thunder peal is a echoing, long-lasting event that makes you think the ruckus can't be natural.  That kind of noise is not what bothered me and kept me from sleeping, though.  It was the whistling winds and lashing rains and hail that relentlessly pelted those glass windows above,  the plasticky aluminium frames in particular.  It reminded me a bit of hearing the rains falling on my grandparents' tin roof, only worse because our bed sits just behind some of those windows, the sounds in no way attenuated by a ceiling, etc.   And while a seive might let more wind through, those frames do a pretty good job of it, too.  So, yes, the windows give us great views and lots of light, but they are not only a blessing. We will see if they qualify as a blessing or a bane in the summer months.

 At 5:20, I finally gave up on trying to sleep and got up to another view of a hail-white ground.  I worked a bit on my BuJo, and then decided to crochet myself another hat*** as one does when feeling a little punch drunk:


The hat is so warm and matches my mitts/wristies that I made the other day.  I then started one for Sprout since I had plenty of yarn left over.  However, using a 5mm hook instead of 6mm AND decreasing the intial 15 stitches to 12 was probably not the best idea.  I am now adding more rows on hers than I needed on mine. :-/

If you feel like a chuckle, I will share an anecdote to convey just how tired I was:  While taking the above photo, I wanted the focus to be on the hat, so in order to make it sharp, instead of tapping on the phone screen, I pressed my head.  O.o  FYI, it doesn't work. :P

Then I decided to make bread because playing with fire is always a good idea when tired.  Because I was exhausted, I forgot to prop open the oven door for a few moments for the gas to really get going.  After about about 5 minutes, I went to preheat the Dutch oven only to discover the pilot had gone out.  We opened the windows and I waited for a bit, but even so,  when I struck a match to finish burning off the gas, the flames billowed out and singed all the hair off my forearm. Luckily, I had my face well to the side. 

I don't have any sourdough starter going here, so I used the poolish method and the recipe/method found here. **** (I had started the poolish the previous day)


And while I was at it, I stared another poolish to make some baguettes today following this recipe.  I'll let you know how it turns out if I remember. 

Since the oven was on anyhow, I made some pumpkin spice bread ***** to use the pumpkin  I had cut up to use as a still-life subject.  More about that in an post (I hope).

I had planned to get to bed early to catch up on sleep, but J wanted to stay awake as late as possible because he has to work the night shift tonight, so we watched a movie.  He of course fell asleep in front of it. :P I am happy to report that while it did rain a bit last night, I was able to get some much needed shut-eye.  I hope to buy earplugs today.

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* I believe I already shared many years ago that one of my mother's childhood nicknames for me was "Thunderhead" because I could always hear the thunder coming before anyone else.  As an aside, I think of all the other places I have lived, Lebanon has the longest lasting thunderstorms. ETA: I did indeed share this, almost 11 years ago.

** I actually started this post yesterday morning, but Internet problems and then having to share my device with a needy boy means that I am only picking up the thread now while the needy boy sleeps.

*** video tutorial here

**** I used the third method, the one with the pre-heated Dutch oven

***** Living up to my reputation as a food snob, I am here to tell you it has proven hard thus far to get my hands on some decent baking chocolate.  Preferring to do without than eat sugar-disguised-as-chocolate, I omitted the chips from the recipe.

Have you ever felt like you should post something but just don't know how to start, how much to open up, how much to put out there?

I have an uncomfortable feeling that after the year that was 2020, there are likely many more people than I am happy with having my same feelings I am.

My dilemma is that I do not want to be defined--nor have my year defined--by so much crap that has happened.  I want to rise above it and declare myself joyful because joy is not happiness, and it is not dependent on circumstances.  However, the Crap and hormones are trying to rob me of my joy.  Can you feel the tension inherent in the thought of having to fight to be joyful?

Let's do pjthompson 's meme instead of dwelling on it.

My first entry of 2020 came in June: 
Today* we welcomed a new bird to the property (and three potential others, more about that below) :  A Khaki Campbell drake, the titular Mr. Brown.

We have since eaten Mr. Brown. :(


July: 
An OS update, which I thought I had installed weeks ago, put an end to my horrid keyboard lag problem, and I can now type freely. Color me happy.

Nothing for August, so this is from September: 
What follows will be long and quite possibly uninteresting for anyone not into growing food, but I wish to get a copy of my thoughts and observations of this growing season (as well as a few comparisons to others) in one place where I can refer back to it. 

From the same day because it was my birthday:
 Birthdays when you are young:
Let's do ALL the things and have a PARTY!

Birthdays when you get older:
Please don't make me do anything, and party, meh. Let's have cake and call it a day. 

October: 
We've been having a very wet and windy week, actually almost two weeks.  

November:
(They're Alive...). My bees that is.

December:
November 29 began like the other mild days we have had thus far this autumn, but by afternoon a London fog had settled on the landscape.  

 I am here. i was not before, but I am today. Just checking in to say that i have been through a bit of wringer of late, some self-inflicted (like hosting a party combined with an art atelier, et al--you know, as one does--after dealing with sick kids and life stress).  So, needless to say, Inktober disappeared down a hole of undone and NaNo never made a blip.

I think Thanksgiving will be a very quiet affair in this house.  As asakiyume  said in a recent post, (please do click through and support her cause if you can) I think I am suffering from psychic tiredness.  I hope to recover before too long.

How fare you all?