I identify so strongly with not wanting to be remembered by my misery--in fact, in a reply to a comment in my most recent entry, I was talking about that, and how it ended my diary keeping. I just couldn't stand--felt very judgmental of--the self I felt I was revealing in my diary. I've had this problem for all my life: feeling very judgmental and dismissive of my past self. Not my whole self, but aspects of it. ... Doesn't strike me as very healthy, but I have to own that it really is how I've felt and sometimes still feel. And that's what I hear in your comments here: dissatisfaction with yourself. And I have empathy with that because I feel it too, about myself! But I want you to try to do what I'm trying to do and not be so hard on that poor person of this past year (or past day or past hour or whatever!) If we can be forgiving and gentle with other people, and patient (... and, okay, we can't always, but we have it as a goal, right?), then we need to try to be that way with ourselves.
And also, what about when life genuinely sends us very hard stuff? Because life has sent you very hard stuff. And the fact that you've suffered and been unhappy and have craved help and understanding, that doesn't make you bad! If anything, it makes you someone who will be very kind and empathetic when you encounter others who are going through similar, because you no know what it's like! You won't be one of those people who furrow their brow in bewilderment when someone talks about how hard it is to try to capture personal time when parenting and educating three children and also trying to maintain a homestead. YOU WILL KNOW.
But wanting to get away from all that, wanting not to dwell on it... I understand that, too. I guess the thing I want to say most is that you're a wonderful person, and I'm so glad you're in my life, and you're not likely to be satisfied with yourself, and in many ways that's a good thing but in some ways it's a painful and even harmful thing, but don't worry, we're together--remarkably!--in this strange wonderful awful beautiful gift which is life, and we'll keep walking together, even though we've never met and live an ocean apart.
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branchandroot
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Date: 31 Dec 2020 03:27 pm (UTC)And also, what about when life genuinely sends us very hard stuff? Because life has sent you very hard stuff. And the fact that you've suffered and been unhappy and have craved help and understanding, that doesn't make you bad! If anything, it makes you someone who will be very kind and empathetic when you encounter others who are going through similar, because you
noknow what it's like! You won't be one of those people who furrow their brow in bewilderment when someone talks about how hard it is to try to capture personal time when parenting and educating three children and also trying to maintain a homestead. YOU WILL KNOW.But wanting to get away from all that, wanting not to dwell on it... I understand that, too. I guess the thing I want to say most is that you're a wonderful person, and I'm so glad you're in my life, and you're not likely to be satisfied with yourself, and in many ways that's a good thing but in some ways it's a painful and even harmful thing, but don't worry, we're together--remarkably!--in this strange wonderful awful beautiful gift which is life, and we'll keep walking together, even though we've never met and live an ocean apart.