I do understand what you mean. I need time to sit with all my expectations, etc. to try to get at the root of why I sabotage myself all the time or fear moving forward.
I started a list the other day to try to articulate some of it. I don't remember what all I put on it so far, but under the main heading of Fear (because, yes, it is a MAIN thing, isn't it, in all its manifestations?), I wrote down something I heard: "The client creates the schedule."
My brain screamed "YES! That!" when the guy said it. This idea terrifies me. As long as I piddle and do my own thing, I am the only one I am beholden to, but once I put myself out there and someone is counting on me to do the thing I said I would do or that I am being paid for, I will have to do it.
I absolutely know I can arrive at something that is non-embarrassing given enough time, but if it is not good enough for the client and they ask me to do it again, can I? When the non-embarrassing thing took me so long to achieve, how can I turn out "much better" in a short amount of time? But I will push myself to do it, and everything else in my life will have to fall by the wayside for however long it takes. I am obsessive like that. And do* I want someone else to have the power over me to dictate this? So *now* I feel like my very lifestyle is under attack. (Have you ever noticed how quickly my brain goes into Melodrama Overdrive?)
So, all of that to say, I knew all this vaguely, but it has only become clarified recently. In order to stop all the sabotaging, I need identify any fears or obstacles, then move on to finding SOLUTIONS, instead of being fatalistic.
And! First step: go into this workshop with JOY. Soak up the excitement and creative energy involved, be a positive influence on others, and enjoy all the processes and new learning experiences. I have decided that yes, I want the cost of it to push me to take myself seriously, but I want even more to be lit on fire again by my love of visual arts. :)
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branchandroot
Navel gazing....again
Date: 28 Aug 2022 04:14 pm (UTC)I started a list the other day to try to articulate some of it. I don't remember what all I put on it so far, but under the main heading of Fear (because, yes, it is a MAIN thing, isn't it, in all its manifestations?), I wrote down something I heard: "The client creates the schedule."
My brain screamed "YES! That!" when the guy said it. This idea terrifies me. As long as I piddle and do my own thing, I am the only one I am beholden to, but once I put myself out there and someone is counting on me to do the thing I said I would do or that I am being paid for, I will have to do it.
I absolutely know I can arrive at something that is non-embarrassing given enough time, but if it is not good enough for the client and they ask me to do it again, can I? When the non-embarrassing thing took me so long to achieve, how can I turn out "much better" in a short amount of time? But I will push myself to do it, and everything else in my life will have to fall by the wayside for however long it takes. I am obsessive like that. And do* I want someone else to have the power over me to dictate this? So *now* I feel like my very lifestyle is under attack. (Have you ever noticed how quickly my brain goes into Melodrama Overdrive?)
So, all of that to say, I knew all this vaguely, but it has only become clarified recently. In order to stop all the sabotaging, I need identify any fears or obstacles, then move on to finding SOLUTIONS, instead of being fatalistic.
And! First step: go into this workshop with JOY. Soak up the excitement and creative energy involved, be a positive influence on others, and enjoy all the processes and new learning experiences. I have decided that yes, I want the cost of it to push me to take myself seriously, but I want even more to be lit on fire again by my love of visual arts. :)