wayfaringwordhack | How many words could a wordhack cram if a wordhack could cram words? (Reply)

I am such a wordy writer. I don't generally go in for plain, terse prose. Nor do I go in for melodramatic said bookisms and character actions or thoughts writ out in a series over-the-top adjectives and adverbs.

Maybe it's an aversion to the above that constantly drives me to "explain" so much, spelling out my melodrama instead of employing it in punchy one-worders. Or maybe it's like The Animals sang, "Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood" (not in reference to the whole song, just that refrain), and I fear leaving any room for the reader to picture something "wrong."

Oh what a stamp of amateurism. That's moi, the amateur. Here is a snippet of before and after from an middle grade novel I am working on:

Hoping she wouldn’t regret her action, she whispered a little greeting to the trees and reached out to run her hand along the branch of what looked to be a juniper. Bits of craggy bark flaked off under her touch. A tiny spider skittered across her knuckles and down the branch. To her surprise, the tree’s needles were kitten-whisker soft. Wisps of gray moss hung from every horizontal branch like the ghostly remnants of banners from long ago. Though she felt no wind, the moss stirred gently, the trailing tips pointing back the way they had come. A warning to turn around?

Minus about 15 words:

Hoping not to regret it, she whispered a greeting to the trees and ran her hand along the branch of what looked to be a juniper. Bits of craggy bark flaked off. A tiny spider skittered across her knuckles and down the branch. The tree’s needles were kitten-whisker soft. Wispy gray moss hung from every horizontal branch like the ghostly remnants of age-old banners. Though she felt no wind, the moss stirred gently, the trailing tips pointing back the way her party had come. A warning to turn around?

It would be a lie to say I am perfectly happy to write wordy and then pare down. I need to write how I write and not get hung up on getting it "right" from the get-go. But I also need to be able to SEE when I am wordy and stop all those weasels from clogging up the prose. And I don't always see.

For me, the word of is usually an indicator that I am complicating things. I think this is partly from French and the way de works (especially in terms of possessives) and partly from the older books I read where the formulation was often "the something of something."

I know in my example "looked to be" could seem weasely, but I am actually describing a place unlike others, so I don't want to declare what something is. That is the balance: being able to state things plainly when, yes, it is that thing and knowing when to cut. I did want the idea of the MC being surprised by the expectation of feeling poky leaves and instead having them be soft. But there, I decided, the descriptor wasn't necessary. I THINK it still conveys enough without me telling the reader how the MC felt.

That is my craft ramble for the day. You may now get back to your regularly scheduled program...