Rough Edges

[wayfaringwordhack]

I know that 99% of the people on my friends list are writers, and I'm pretty sure than a 100% of that 99% are interested in character arcs, specifically helping their MCs improve or grow stronger over the course of novels and, perhaps, shorts.

But a conversation with frigg  got me thinking and wondering: How many of you have the same concern for YOURSELF? Do you actively try to make yourself a better person? Are you aware of your faults/weaknesses, etc., and do you accept them or try to change them?  Want to share how? I don't suppose you go out and try to save the world or arrange to have redshirts  friends killed simply so you can grow through grief and strive to be a better person. *g*

I know I have plenty of rough edges, and I swear that every time I get one smoothed out, I find another jag in need of attention.

Comments

[renakuzar.livejournal.com]

We don't need to go out and find conflict and stress, it finds us, and thus we grow in our response to this, or we die. Some of us do go out to try to save the world, some of us do this by writing. GRIN. Eventually we face death and realize that the final word of our lives is not said by us, but by those who know us.

[tatterpunk.livejournal.com]

Do you actively try to make yourself a better person?

Yes. It's easier to do it superficially -- travel to gain experience, read to gain insight, learn a new language to challenge my preconceptions... Even taking up a dance discipline (or trying) to get into better physical and mental state. But yes, there is a conscious effort at becoming a better person.

Are you aware of your faults/weaknesses, etc., and do you accept them or try to change them?

... yes to the first part. I think? Definitely living abroad has helped bring parts of me I dislike into focus. And I do want to change them -- but easier said than done, and sometimes I have to take it at a pace that feels glacially slow. For instance, if I'm mad at my hesitancy to interact with people, I try to take baby steps -- talking to co-workers even if I'm embarrassed at how badly I mangle Chinese, but just a sentence or two. Just to show I'm not ignoring them,and then I'm allowed to go back to whatever I was doing before with a sigh of relief. ;) Because while I'm attempting to change my approach to the world, I'm also learning to accept my own limits, and be comfortable with them. I think that last is the hardest.

But, actually, as I was telling someone recently... one of the things I would like to change is my, um, over-focus, as it were, on the parts of my that need changing. Possibly it's because I'm young-ish, but my self esteem is currently not the strongest, so I don't give myself the chance to rely on the gifts I DO have. Being away from all that is familiar brings those into sharper focus as well.

But yeah, traveling abroad is a pretty big factor in my betterment plan. I love my home and my family dearly, but I know that because I'm so comfortable in that environment I run the risk of not pushing -- not myself, or my limits, or my possibilities. So I moved to a city where I knew no one, didn't speak the language, and had to start from scratch in many ways. If nothing else (and I do think there were other benefits), it made me realize how much I have back home: people who love me, an educational background that opens up a varied job market, the ability to connect with almost anyone I meet on the street...

I value all of that much more now, because I am beginning to understand what it's worth. And I think I'm a better person for it.

[rabiagale.livejournal.com]

Do you actively try to make yourself a better person?
Oh, yes.

Are you aware of your faults/weaknesses, etc.,
Oh, yes. *sigh*

and do you accept them or try to change them?

Depends. Things like selfishness or lack of impatience, I try to change. There are other things about myself that I don't like--for instance, the fact that I need a lot of sleep and I don't have high energy levels, and that I'm very cautious, but none of that is bad on its own. That's just part of who I am, but I need to be careful not to use that as an excuse for being lazy or overly-timid and such.

Want to share how? I don't suppose you go out and try to save the world or arrange to have redshirts friends killed simply so you can grow through grief and strive to be a better person. *g*

I think you learn more about yourself in the little stresses of life, than the big. Having gone through at least one MAJOR traumatic experience, I can tell you that my ugliest side came out not in that, but in the daily frustrations, especially when dealing with recalcitrant, non-sleeping, non-obeying children.

Other than that, I pray about my faults, try to be teachable and humble when friends and family point out where I'm not doing so hot, and, instead of beating myself up when I'm not perfect, accept with joy the grace that is offered for us who fail.

[merebrillante.livejournal.com]

Yes, I do try to make myself a better person, but it usually takes a figurative punch in the nose to make me realize how I've been screwing up and give me the resolve to change.

[mindseas.livejournal.com]

I always remind myself that my writing is only a reflection who I am, and so that for my writing to prosper, I need to be the best person I can be. If, as Walt says, it's those who know us who have the final word on our lives, that's pretty scary, because I don't think anyone really knows me, and that's because I don't express myself. Even though I'm a writer. So I'm trying to learn to speak up about what I really beleve both in my personal life and in my writing, but it's difficult. A long time ago I got into the habit of concealing myself (a sort of peasant mentally, I think of it. As long as you don't stand out from the other peasants they won't single you out for punishment. Just do what they want you to do and there won't be any trouble.) I am trying to change myself, for instance, by closing the store and concentrating on more creative endeavors. It's time to stand up and admit that I don't really want to run a store, even though other people looking at me might think it's a fine thing.

[kmkibble75.livejournal.com]

I have aplenty of jagged edges, and I'm slowly trying to work them out. The difference between me and my charcaters though is that far more interesting things happen to them, and that makes them work those edges out much faster.

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

and, instead of beating myself up when I'm not perfect, accept with joy the grace that is offered for us who fail.

Yes, I'm working on the not beating myself up. The part that bothers me the most I guess is when the grace is withheld--by people that is.

I wonder if I've been guilty of withholding forgiveness...*goes off to ponder*

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

We are kin in that! I'd like to get to the stage where I can see the blow coming at least. :P

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

Two very good points there: First, we have to express and stand up for what we believe in. Otherwise, how can we expect people know that X is a value we hold, and Y is something we cannot condone? Second, taking risks to be the kind of people we want to be is a very large step in the right direction to improvement. The road may not be smooth and obstacle-free, but we'll learn a lot and have a chance to extend ourselves a bit more.

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but would you want do deal with the things they have to go through in such a condensed time frame? :P I think you have the right of it, and I appreciate you saying it: slowly trying to work them out. Slow is okay. Just as long as I'm going in the right direction, as long as I'm working at it.

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

Well said, Walt. We definitely don't need to go out and find conflict, but sometimes I wonder if I *do* look for it. I know people who do this on a regular basis, but I tend to be a gal who prefers to turn aside confrontation. However, I've noticed a certain hothead tendency in myself--one that comes from a slow-build that eventually blows--that I need to damp early on rather than stoking it. I like to think I grow. I just wish it didn't hurt so much sometimes. Still, while you're hurting, you're not dead. *g*

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

Argh. LJ flipped out and ate my reply. *sigh* I've really had it up to here with pc/net probs.

In a nutshell: I think it interesting that you didn't dwell on improving the physical. Though it is important to take care of your health, too many people think a better appearance equates with being a better, more generous person. (For themselves, of course, since some people tend to be wary/judgmental of Pretty People.)

Also, something you have going for you in the travel/live abroad plan is your willingness to grow and your openmindness (something I hope I share) because I'm constantly astounded at the number of people I meet who can only criticise their new foreign home and its natives and laud their homeland. Pity.

[kmkibble75.livejournal.com]

Slow is okay. Just as long as I'm going in the right direction, as long as I'm working at it.

Exactly :-)

[melinda-goodin.livejournal.com]

Trying to avoid confrontation can indeed create more of it, and at a time delay. I want to stay friendly with our neighbours, my husband can be difficult, and we've been having issues about our tree pushing over a shared fence. Instead of running the risk of DH antagonising the neighbours, I tried to keep everyone happy and instead the problem dragged out for months. When DH found out what the problem was, he said "I can fix that over the weekend" and wasn't difficult at all. *headslap*

Not doing that again.

[melinda-goodin.livejournal.com]

I make an active effort to improve myself, and have made it fun by working with a girlfriend who has similar goals. We have worked through the Tony Robbins CDs together, and Cheryl Richardson's Life Makeovers books. We focus on figuring out what we want or need, knowing the difference and then taking little steps regularly to meet those goals.

We've worked on physical goals (losing weight, finding dance classes that we love, doing weight training, learning to do something that intimidated us), mental goals (challenging books, learning the piano or a language, identifying harmful mental thoughts and working out why they're there), financial, charity and parenting goals. We've picked fun things and she's encouraged me with my writing. It sounds like a lot, but we do little things and then build on those.

We still flip out sometimes - if we didn't we wouldn't be human. *g* But we've both noticed we're generally more serene and easy to live with and less stressed when we're pursuing our improvements.

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

That buddy system sounds like a great idea. (sorry if this posts twice, but I'm having a heck of a time with LJ. It keeps losing my comments, and it is very irritating. Maybe they are trying to help me control my temper. *g*)

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

Ugh, LJ ate this reply, too.

I need to find the balance of facing a confrontation and doing so with patience and feelings of goodwill instead of allowing my nerves (usually at the situation and not the other person) to make my tone overly brusque.

[rabiagale.livejournal.com]

I wonder if I've been guilty of withholding forgiveness...*goes off to ponder*

I know I have. *sigh* Sometimes I think I have, and then something pops up to remind me of the "forgive" offense and I'm mad and growly all over again.

Learning to let go is a constant struggle.

[tatterpunk.livejournal.com]

In a nutshell: I think it interesting that you didn't dwell on improving the physical... too many people think a better appearance equates with being a better, more generous person.

I had the luck (?) to experience the transformation and realize it doesn't really. My emergence from puberty was pretty abrupt and fairly satisfying, as evidenced by yearly school photos. So I suddenly had a lot of the things I'd wished for, physically, but it didn't take long to realize that I was still unhappy with myself and my behavior, and that my appearance didn't cause anyone people I admired to like me any better.

Of course, living in China has done a number on my self-image, as well. But that's a ramble for my own LJ. ;)

Also, something you have going for you in the travel/live abroad plan is your willingness to grow and your openmindness (something I hope I share)

I don't know you beyond your LJ entires, of course, but those give me every reason to think you so. (And thank you.) I mean, it's obvious we both experience frustration and irritation with our new cultures, but I don't think that excludes acceptance. I'm a little in awe of you, actually, since your living situation is one that takes an almost superhuman adaptive effort, in my opinion.


I'm constantly astounded at the number of people I meet who can only criticise their new foreign home and its natives and laud their homeland. Pity.

Isn't it? Intellectually I understand what's happened with them -- and sometimes I sympathize. But I don't understand why they would perpetuate their own unhappiness instead of striving to understand and adapt as much as possible.

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

I'm a little in awe of you, actually, since your living situation is one that takes an almost superhuman adaptive effort, in my opinion.

*lol* And from my point of view, yours is the harder experience. I guess I need to start making life on Mayotte sound as easy as it is. But in reality, the thing that helps me is that, while my French is not perfect, I lived in mainland France for several years before coming here. So, the language is not a problem, well, in so much as the natives can express themselves coherently. (I never thought to excel "official language" speakers with my not-so-shiny skills).

Also, I'm living the experience with my husband (French), and it helps to have someone to share it all with.

[tatterpunk.livejournal.com]

Also, I'm living the experience with my husband (French), and it helps to have someone to share it all with.

I'll admit, I do envy you that. A number of people come here with spouses or partners, and I have to wonder at how much less intimidating Beijing would be with someone at my back.

But on the other hand, wouldn't want to inflict my cranky, culture-shocked self on anyone else!

I guess I need to start making life on Mayotte sound as easy as it is.

*g* You make it sound lovely -- but I don't get the sense that (and correct me if I'm wrong) there is a convenient expat enclave to run away to, like there is in Beijing. It's entirely possible to live here and never really live here, if you get my meaning... I've encountered expats who have been in the city for years and can't so much as count in Chinese, because they places they eat and shop and work and play are all in the "foreigner" neighborhoods, so there's never been a need. If I wanted (and I've been tempted) I could live like that as well. You don't seem to have that safety net, and I'm impressed.

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

*lol* I guess I'm really becoming French because my first thought was that the French are everywhere! everywhere! not just in a tiny enclave on the island. But after thought, I realized you meant Americans. :P There might be an American or two somewhere in Mayotte, but I have yet to run across them. However, I do feel pretty well assimilated into French culture, and it hasn't even occured to me to seek out other Americans (which, come to think of it, I didn't do in Paris, either, though there is a large expat community there).