Starting off the new year

[wayfaringwordhack]

A bit of a mixed bag today. Lots of emotions, not all good.

This morning we all went to the store and bought food to give to those in need, then J went this afternoon and bought lots kids clothes, blankets, socks, and hats. We went to a roundabout where we know some families sleep and handed out the stuff. After everything but two bags of food had been given, another lady came running and tried to make someone share with her. The sharing did not happen, so I gave her the remaining two bags. She wanted us to give her more, but we had nothing else. Then two other men showed up, and J tried to explain that we had given everything out and they should divide it amongst themselves. We drove off with some still begging and others sitting on their goods. Don't know what they decided, how it was settled, but it left us feeling bad.* :(

Sprout was asking hard questions today, like: How do you make yourself die when your family dies so you don't have to live lonely? :-/

On a brighter side, I bought a new sketchbook to motivate me to finally get some work done on the kids book I started last year and to organize my thoughts/ideas better since my doodles were scattered all over the place in my other drawing pad. I did two studies this afternoon and hoped to do a third, but I feel a bit beat up and am carrying stress in my lower back. I think the wiser thing to do is to go to bed.

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* I've been repeating to myself that the giving is not about me and was never meant to make me feel good about myself or what-have-you. I believe one should give a gift without any kind of strings or expectations projected onto the receiver. But I do feel that we weren't responsible givers in that we didn't try to spread things out a bit make to make sure more people got help. Knowing that people live in such desperation that they will fight to get or keep anything makes me feel totally hopeless to help in a meaningful way.

Comments

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

I have no solution to the awfulness that's being well-off in the face of other people's complete destitution, especially when the destitution is so widespread that even if you bankrupted yourself and became destitute, yourself, it wouldn't be cured. It needs a solution (or at least to be addressed) on a systemic level, but what about meantime? Especially since, given your circumstances, you can't be part of systemic problem solving.

You made an effort. Some will have something to eat, and some will be warmer, thanks to you. Who knows how things played out after you left--who knows what the social dynamic is among the people you approached. And you've already thought of ways in which you might do it differently in the future--so that shows not only generosity but also commitment. (((hugs)))

And I'm sorry about Sprout's tough questions--those are very distressing for a parent to hear!

[frigg.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Here's the thing, though. You still did good, and you still helped.

And oh, Sprout. She's not asking the easy questions, is she?