Is it a cultural thing?

[wayfaringwordhack]

As many of you know, we do a form of homeschooling with our children.*  This decision was considered fairly non-normative and odd in France, and even there, people did not "approve" and sometimes cited a nonexistent law saying school is obligatory.**  However, here in Lebanon, people are outright authoritative in their declaration that we must STOP harming our children and put them in school.  These are not school officials or people otherwise concerned with child welfare in a professional sense.  These are a random father we met at a sports class, the man who sold us our car, and a fellow shopper at the grocery store just to cite a few.

Our children are well-loved, well-cared for, presented phenomenal, diverse opportunities for learning and experiencing life.***  They look it and comport themselves in a congruent manner.  So what makes people think we need parenting instructions or to be shown the error of our ways?  

I can't imagine going up to a stranger on the street and telling them how to parent.  Is this a cultural thing?  It reminds me of when Sprout was a baby and I overheard men grumping about me carrying her.  At least *his* opinions weren't meant for my ears.  Seriously, you can think what you want about our choices--even question and discuss them with us****--and I respect that; but when you tell me I *must* do something, when you decree I have to change what I am doing because you disagree with it (without actually *knowing* anything about it), my response can only be: Where do you think you get off?


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* How and why we do what we do is not the point of this post, and neither is defending our beliefs, but suffice it to say, it is a considered decision, one we have put a lot of thought (and years of practice) into.  Our oldest is 11 and has never been to school; we were not phased by no school because of a health crisis or technological fails.  For us, what we do is about so much more than "education;" it is a philosophy of life.

** Your average Joe and Jane who never question or look into things themselves can't really be blamed because every year, at back-to-school time in France, newspapers, magazines, and tv reporters are always saying that school is obligatory and no one calls them on it.  Newsflash: It's not.  An *education* is obligatory.

*** This one gets my goat a bit when people say we are not preparing our children for life.  Our children are not waiting to live *someday, upon graduation*; they are living life now, and therefore "being prepared for" life right now by, you know, actually doing it.

**** We do this a lot with those who are curious

Comments

[asakiyume]

Yeah, I think it must cultural. You grew up in a culture that at least pays lip service to the notion that there's more than one way to do things and that part of how we get along as a society is that we permit multiple approaches (obviously this is more in theory than in practice). I don't know anything about Lebanese culture or the various subcultures that comprise it, but what you're experiencing suggests that people believe their way is the right way and that it's proper for them to tell you so.

How are you dealing with it?

[wayfaringwordhack]

I love your comment about lip service. It is so true. LOL. You are spot on in pointing out that the approval or acceptance is often a facade, even in societies that present themselves as being more open.

I think--to dig a little deeper into why people bounce off of what we do--that many people take our decision to buck the status quo as a challenge to them personally, as an attack on THEIR choices. I can say with 100% honesty that our choice had nothing to do with judging/condemning our parents for putting us in school, with other parents' decisions to school *their* kids, nor with some statement--religious or political--against either government or private schooling... It has to do with OUR immediate family and the reality of our lives. There is no attack, no hidden agenda, no "holier than thou" involved. And yet, I often get this angry pushback that lets me know my interlocuter somehow takes our choice personally. To them, it is an attack on their choices. And it isn't just a supposition or intuition on my part; my mil told me that very thing.

So to answer your question, I mostly just hmmm non-committally, smile and walk away. I occasionally add something along the lines of "This works for us for now," and sometimes I might point out that every year our children are given the choice to go to school (and we check in with them about it a couple of times during the year to make sure they know they have the option), which is not a choice most kids get (and this goes back to the parent thinking we think we are better because we let our kids decide and don't force them to go to school *sigh*).

By their word choices and posture, it is clear which people are interested in learning more and which are the ones who cannot be dialogued with because their minds are too firmly made up. I am happy to say that I have had some good and interesting decisions with people here, too! It has not been all negative. :)

[asakiyume]

Yeah, I think that taking-of-personal offense is exactly that: people feel judged, when really they don't need to. (I mean, sometimes, in some lifestyle battles, people *are* asserting superiority in their choices and *are* judging people, but going into any encounter assuming that is a recipe for unhappiness all around.)

Your way of dealing sounds perfect--allows you to get away from people itching for a fight and to engage with people (when you're feeling up to it) who are open for a real discussion.

Warning: This comment features broad strokes and not the reality of every person in this country

[wayfaringwordhack]

Oy, I responded to you late (my time), so I wasn't very clear-headed and obviously didn't thoroughly proofread. :P "discussions," not "decisions."

But I also wanted to briefly touch on the aspect of fear prompting people, fear due to their own conditioning. This is a country where everyone is pushed by their parents to be a doctor, lawyer, or engineer (if you are not one of these things, you will cause your family heartache on some level; the family needs at least one to trot out in bragging and one-upmanship sessions <--This was explained to me by G, our Lebanese cousin). Children *must* have a traditional education (or so parents think) from the beginning of their schooling to hope to pursue these goals.

Following one's own interests and passions is not a widely accepted choice. So I think a lot of the "get them in school!" insistence is prompted by this belief that our children must have a like career, and they will amount to nothing, bringing shame on the family, if they don't.

Re: Warning: This comment features broad strokes and not the reality of every person in this country

[asakiyume]

This absolutely makes sense to me--I mean, not the set-up of society, but the consequence (with the proviso in your subject line)

[wayfaringwordhack]

Your way of dealing sounds perfect--allows you to get away from people itching for a fight and to engage with people (when you're feeling up to it) who are open for a real discussion.

Yeah, and many times I don't feel up to it; it is hard constantly "being on trial; having to make solid a defense." :P No matter my feelings, I am having the conversation a lot these days--with expats and Lebanese--because that is just what happens when you are both different and new to a place...and almost all of your friends know each other because their kids go to the same school. LOL

[asakiyume]

Heh. Yeah, I am VERY SURE it is often exhausting.