All the Things

[wayfaringwordhack]

For the past couple of weeks, I have repeatedly found myself telling people, "This separation from J is really hard on the kids," making it sound like I am dealing just fine and would be OK with all this living apart, spouse-in-potentially-dangerous situation* if not for the little ones.  But then I forced myself to look deeper at how I am actually coping and:

I have been baking.  A lot. <--at least one of you knows that is one of my stress/coping mechanisms. I was going to make a list, but who needs that?;

I have been snacking between meals.  <--I haven't don't this in years.  My body is not happy with me;

I have a hard time overcoming lethargy to do anything creative, both writing and art endeavors are currently sputtering and fizzling;

I have resorted to playing a mindless video game on Ti'Loup's iPad.

I could probably list a few more telltales that, yeah, I too wish this situation would resolve and our family could go back to normal.  And then I feel enormous amounts of guilt because I am primarily concerned about my family and not all the Lebanese and others who are suffering so.  I know that this is natural in a way--I know I can't do anything under my own power to bring about peace--but it still smarts that my empathy level is clocking in so firmly at "numb."

I also hate the planning we are having to do concerning J's vacation time next year.  We are trying to spread out his days so that he can come home every two months or so.  It is sad to think this conflict could be going on all next year and trying to decide when we can go back, and should J keep the big flat just for himself, and...and...and...???

Despite the stress (struggling to find the right label), I would not say I am depressed.  I am still finding enormous amounts of joy in my surroundings, drinking in the beauty of autumn in our little corner of the French countryside.  I am having fun reading and discussing things with the kids.  I love our family game time and watching my kiddos' joie de vivre.

With the holidays coming up and the desire to make sure it is a beautiful, meaningful time for the kids (they aren't taking it well that J will not be able to come home for Christmas, nor can we fly to Beirut for the holidays because--hey, ho! who has $7,000 lying around to spend on airfare), I need to get more energy and oomph...but without passing through Guiltyland.

And all that is why I have posted a thousand times in my mind but never written up an entry for DW.  But, it is life, and I do want to document it.

__________
*There have been several strikes in both areas we frequent as a family and near to J's work.  It is unnerving.

Comments

[asakiyume]

My dear

all the hugs

It is 100 percent okay to want your husband to be safe first and foremost. Yes you want the rest of the residents of Lebanon to be safe... and-and all people threatened by war everywhere. And so on. But J is YOUR PARTICULAR PERSON and the father of your kids. I know you know this--you said as much--but it doesn't hurt to have another person repeat it back to you.

My heart goes out to you.

[wayfaringwordhack]

Thank you, dear. I need those hugs.

FYI, one of the things I have made in recent days is kimchi, using barry_king's method still, and it made me think of you (https://barry-king.livejournal.com/52074.html). I find sprung for true Korean chili powder after all these years (the price finally got more reasonable on Amazon).😃

[asakiyume]

Oh yes! It's a good kimchi recipe!

Rest in peace Barry King. He was a great person.

(Died of flu maybe 10 years back .... He was not at all old--your age rather than mine--but sometimes these things happen)

[wayfaringwordhack]

Oh wow. I had no idea. :(

[asakiyume]

Yeah, it was quite a shock. I had met him and his wife in person maybe the year before at Readercon.

[michaelboy]

It would be so odd and unsettling, to be living in a safe and comfortable world, while your partner faces such a radically different and opposite set of circumstances.

Guilt in this situation is understandable -- albeit undeserved. I wish you strength and peace for your family when you are able to find it. I'm glad you're expressing your feelings as you have here, as it can clarify your heart and mind.

[wayfaringwordhack]

Thank you very much. It is a blessing to have people out there who understand and are supportive.

[tolcath]

Extra hugs.

Agree with asakiyume. Think of you and your three youngers so often.

[wayfaringwordhack]

Thanks. We appreciate it.🥰

[rimturse]

Big hugs, pea. I hope the situation in Lebanon will stabilize for everyone involved, and that you and the kids and reunite with J soon.

I can relate to the stress-relievers, I fall into the gaming hole more than I'd care to admit. That said, as long as they don't take over completely, I believe it's healthy to accept that they are there for a reason, and that they do have a function.

[wayfaringwordhack]

THANK YOU, pea. (ahem, sorry for the caps, but it does serve to show the heartfelt gratitude, so I'll leave them.)

Yes, to the usefulness of stress relievers. I am trying to be balanced with them and not abuse.