Friday already? (a whine lies herein) Yes, the kind with an "h"

[wayfaringwordhack]

I swear, I don't know where the week goes.

Writing:

I had hoped that taking time out from my novel to work on a short would boost me out of the writing funk I'm in. It seemed to be working because by the time I finished the short, I was looking forward to getting back to TTD. However, when I opened the chapter, read it and tried to pick up where I left off, I only managed 700 some words before I ran out of steam.

I paused to email a writing friend (rambling does wonders for my thought processes) and lo and behold, as hoped, the *thinking aloud* by typing the problem to someone else helped me see that I had spent the time setting up several sources of potential conflict, and then went on to disarm two-thirds of them before they could threaten the character. I detest conflict in real life. I don't, of course, mind reading about it (unless I feel like the conflict is just there because, you know, we need conflict to think like the story is doing something), but I have a hard time creating situations where it abounds. I would prefer to do what I do in life: diffuse it as soon as possible or pretend I don't see it so it will go away.

Anyhow, I saw a way I could let one of the sources of conflict get closer to distablizing my character (can't be anything major because a biggie conflict turning point is coming up, and serious conflict between characters is currently being instigated [and I was just saying I don't like conflict? *scratches head*]) so that it could serve as a catalyst for the important event in the scene.  Now, despite having this revelation, I am still unexcited about tackling it.  Maybe there is still something bothering me and I have to follow my plan of letting it mijote for a while longer.

Yesty, I wasted the day writing bad poetry and found poems.  Today, it took me 2h20 to write 874 words on another short.  Who knows how many of those I'll be able to keep.  It is getting to the point where I'm having "Who the heck am I kidding with this writing business?" thoughts.  My membership on the OWW is up in less than a month, and I'm doubting the wisdom of renewing.  What do I have to contribute?  I could renew just for the people I've met.  Maybe that is the solution:  give up writing.  Become a professional critter, but really, I'm not tops at that either.  

I'm seriously disillusioned about something.  Myself?  My writing?

Comments

[frigg.livejournal.com]

Nooooo it's artistic self-doubt. Smash it in its infancy!

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

I keep jumping on it, but it just won't die. I even tried boiling oil, matches and gasoline. :(

[kmkibble75.livejournal.com]

We all have periods liek that, believe you me. With all hope, it'll pass in a few days. Maybe you just need a short break? A few days to let things recharge?

And you have tons to offer as a critter, so don't even go there.

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the encouragement. I have had times where I think that I'm not cut out for writing for a lack of skill and creativity, but this time, I seriously started contemplating all the time I spend at this writing business. It feels like it is consuming me to no good end.

I hate being wrong about things and I hate failing and right now writing represents both to me.

But I'm sure I'll be fine soon.

[kmkibble75.livejournal.com]

Well, what would the alternative for your time be?

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

on the fun side: more reading; painting and drawing; fixing up my house; spending more time with my family and friends; going outside

on the not-so-fun but necessary side: cleaning my house; exercising; finding a job that pays me more than a pittance so that we can take some vacation time and do things that J likes doing.

I'm so lucky that J supports what I'm doing, but despite his reassurances, I hate that we can hardly ever do anything because I don't have a full-time job. It makes me see my writing as a selfish indulgence because it is going nowhere. And my indulgence penalizes him.

I know what I need: a schedule and the discipline to stick to it. A way of using my time more wisely with some of it put aside to take care of myself. I think that if I had a little more balance in my life, the money issue wouldn't be that big of a deal because I wouldn't feel like I was failing in so many other ways *plus* that.

Ok, end of whining session...

[kmkibble75.livejournal.com]

You know, you can always just set aside an hour or so a day to write, if that would work for you. There's no time limit on when the book needs to be done, right?

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

Yeah, this is the key: I need to write for smaller amounts of time, but write with more concentration.

You mean there is no limit? Are you serious? I've been killing myself for no reason?

[kmkibble75.livejournal.com]

You mean there is no limit? Are you serious? I've been killing myself for no reason?

Of course not! You can be the Grandma Moses of the literary world!

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

hey, while you're here: can I set up a poll if I don't have a paid account?

[kmkibble75.livejournal.com]

sadly, I don't think so... but e-mail me the info if you want and i'll get the code and e-mail it back to you. Maybe that'll work.

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

bwahahaha...Sneaky, very sneaky.

[kmkibble75.livejournal.com]

Hanging around people like you has rubbed off... ;-)

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

hey!!!

[kmkibble75.livejournal.com]

But of course you're sneaky in the most innocent way possible.

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

I am? Whatever gave you that impression? *polishes halo and sets it firmly on her golden tresses*

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

Basically what I want to know is which title people find catchier: The Traveler's Daughter -or- The Lily and the Tears -or- The Sundered Stone

[kmkibble75.livejournal.com]

Should be in your e-mail momentarily :-)

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

thank ye, kind sir, says the oh-so-innocent-not-at-all-sneaky lady

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

*sigh* They aren't going to let me get away with it. Oh well. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

[kmkibble75.livejournal.com]

Well, then just go with TTD because it's the one I like best. :-)

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

The reason behind this poll is that if I want to re-sub TTD to Tor, I'll need a new title to slip it in under. I like TTD, too. It started out as a working title, but it fits the story on too many levels for me to toss it aside lightly. Out of the three options, it did score the lowest on that Lulu titlescorer thingy though :-(

[kmkibble75.livejournal.com]

Lulu title scorer?

How long ago did you sub to Tor? Assuming you revised it, which you have, I don't think there'd be an issue with sending it there again.

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

well, by time it is ready to go out again, it will be two years. Plenty of time for the slusher who was bound to have read it to have moved on. I just don't know if they keep records and would compare it to that and then summarily dismiss it. I read somewhere (Miss Snark's blog?) that it is best just to retitle and resend instead of explaining the extensive rewrites.

[kmkibble75.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that would so totally suck if that's true. Especially since I've sent Once-Knight to lots of places and can't think of a better title.

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

*invites Kev to join her in title-stomping dance*

[pjthompson]

I have those kinds of doubt at least once a week and think of giving it all up at least 4 or 5 times a year. It's part of the lovely being-an-artist experience, dahlin'. You're allowed to wallow in it now and again, but remember that it has no objective reality. Keep writing--and by all means, keep critting! ;-)

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

*is not alone* I guess what is scary about this is that the thoughts go so deep and are so serious. This is the first time that I've really thought about stopping. I mean really thought about it. I don't think I'm one of those "write or die" people. I have too many interests in too many things to think that expressing myself through the written word is my only outlet. And there I come to the crux of the matter. What am I trying to let out? What is so important about what I'm sharing that it couldn't be left unsaid?

*ponders*
*hugs PJ for encouragement*

[pjthompson]

Yes, they do go deep and serious. It's striking at the heart of your creative spirit and that's always serious. It isn't a hobby for you, I don't think.

I don't think I'm one of those "write or die" people. I have too many interests in too many things to think that expressing myself through the written word is my only outlet.

And maybe that's true. All I know is that I tried to give it up once on my own (and was forced to it one other time due to writers' block), thinking I'd concentrate on my sculpture or textile arts or photography or whatever--like you, I have plenty of interests. But for me--and I'm not saying you'd be this way--I always felt something missing and longed for writing. That was my truest form of expression, and although I'm interested in all this other stuff, I surprised myself by realizing I was one of those "write or die" people. I still think about giving it up, or taking it completely private (just me and my friends and my website) when I get really discouraged, but I pretty much accept that I'll be writing as long as I'm able to.

What am I trying to let out? What is so important about what I'm sharing that it couldn't be left unsaid?

We've discussed some of this. It starts there, I think.

So, I'm not saying you're doomed to be an artist, and you may decide to quit and be fine with that. Everyone is different, and your experience may be quite different. All I can speak to is my own experience, not anyone else's. And only you can make that determination for yourself. But I'd encourage you to keep trying awhile longer. For both selfish and non-selfish reasons. :-)

[navicat.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I totally understand where you're coming from - I've been there plenty of times myself. For the sake of us who love your writing and respect your advice, I hope you ride it out. :)

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

Thanks. It helps to hear that one is not alone. *returns hug*

[navicat.livejournal.com]

Absolutely! And having wonderful friends who understand has helped me so many times. I hope I can be there for you too.

*offers shoulder*

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

*takes shoulder; gives it a good massage then leans on it*

[navicat.livejournal.com]

How very cat of you :)

[stillnotbored.livejournal.com]

FWIW, this happens to all of us. Frequently.

99.9999 percent of the time this struggling to get the words out--the taking forever and a day to write very few words-- is the sign of a skill leap. Its like your brain has to make adjustments and settle things in place, then you go back to being able to write.

And writing slower in general is for most of us a sign that we are writing better, not a sign that we suck. Back when I started I could crank out 4-5K a day. It was pure crap, but it was a whole lot of words. Now, a 1250 word day is awesome word count for me, but they are good words.

Take heart. You are not the first and you are not alone. :)

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

I sincerely pray that you are right. I would love for this to be the sign of a leap. Oh how I would love that. I think the feeling of stagnancy, nay, even regression, is one of the most corrosive things on my morale right now.

*takes heart*

[pjthompson]

I'd have to reiterate what Jaime is saying here. Just before I have a breakthrough I often feeling like I'm flopping around like a fish out of water.

[pjthompson]

Actually, that post is encouraging to me, too. I've been struggling to produce more and giving myself mini-writing blocks. I gave up trying to push my word count and things settled back into place again. I guess I'll just try to stay content with what I have. :-)

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

Yes, I often find that I work well under pressure for a given amount of time, and then, when life interferes and I don't cut myself some slack to deal with it, everything goes to pot.