My dreams, how they mark me
26 Jun 2010 11:22 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wayfaringwordhackI don't know if I should be coming back to LJ-land yet, but well, here I am. I went offline to force myself to get some writing done, and I did, two chapters' worth (4.5K words). But I'm still three chapters away from the end. I knew when I decided to write the story that these chapters would be the toughest, hence why I saved them for last. I'm not sure now that that was such a brilliant idea. It makes getting to The End that much harder. As if finishing a book needs to be any harder.
I need to do what all writers and concerned friends of writers counsel and Just Write the First Draft. I know that, but the fears of inadequacy, they cripple me. And they have spilled over into my dreams of late.
In one dream, I had to infiltrate a diabolical sect, but I couldn't even worship the Devil correctly. He refused me!
Last night, I dreamed that I could not take a photograph to save my life. Everything was against me: the light faded; no matter how hard I tried, the image refused to be framed correctly; the camera malfunctioned. Lots of factors outside my control, but I stupidly just kept pushing the button, pushing the button. Finally I turned to another subject, but again, everything went wrong. I thought that I should stop and check my camera, see if it was on, if it had charged batteries, etc. but no, I kept pushing the button.
So I woke up this morning, secure in the knowledge that I feel inadequate, that I have performance anxiety. Only, I already knew that. What I need now is the kick to get me past it.
I don't know what to do besides accept that this draft will not be perfect--nor will the next--and just keep typing one word after the next. Yet, that feels frighteningly like pushing the button.
Any advice from the masses who have trod this hellishly hard way before me?
I need to do what all writers and concerned friends of writers counsel and Just Write the First Draft. I know that, but the fears of inadequacy, they cripple me. And they have spilled over into my dreams of late.
In one dream, I had to infiltrate a diabolical sect, but I couldn't even worship the Devil correctly. He refused me!
Last night, I dreamed that I could not take a photograph to save my life. Everything was against me: the light faded; no matter how hard I tried, the image refused to be framed correctly; the camera malfunctioned. Lots of factors outside my control, but I stupidly just kept pushing the button, pushing the button. Finally I turned to another subject, but again, everything went wrong. I thought that I should stop and check my camera, see if it was on, if it had charged batteries, etc. but no, I kept pushing the button.
So I woke up this morning, secure in the knowledge that I feel inadequate, that I have performance anxiety. Only, I already knew that. What I need now is the kick to get me past it.
I don't know what to do besides accept that this draft will not be perfect--nor will the next--and just keep typing one word after the next. Yet, that feels frighteningly like pushing the button.
Any advice from the masses who have trod this hellishly hard way before me?
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no subject
Date: 26 Jun 2010 01:49 pm (UTC)Believe that with every single word you write comes improvement. If you put off that writing, you put off the chance to evolve and learn.
Write, first, for the love of writing. Write for the love of your story, the project you're working on. Finish it and then look at it with different eyes. Instead of only love, see it how you want it to be and then strive to make it that.
no subject
Date: 27 Jun 2010 09:16 am (UTC)I have to hold the image of what I want this story to be close to my heart without letting the fear of inadequacy convince me that I can never match writing to dream. Hard to do when it is love of something that inspires the most fear, for me, anyhow.