My dreams, how they mark me

[wayfaringwordhack]

I don't know if I should be coming back to LJ-land yet, but well, here I am.  I went offline to force myself to get some writing done, and I did, two chapters' worth (4.5K words).  But I'm still three chapters away from the end. I knew when I decided to write the story that these chapters would be the toughest, hence why I saved them for last. I'm not sure now that that was such a brilliant idea. It makes getting to The End that much harder. As if finishing a book needs to be any harder.

I need to do what all writers and concerned friends of writers counsel and Just Write the First Draft. I know that, but the fears of inadequacy, they cripple me.  And they have spilled over into my dreams of late.

In one dream, I had to infiltrate a diabolical sect, but I couldn't even worship the Devil correctly. He refused me!

Last night, I dreamed that I could not take a photograph to save my life. Everything was against me: the light faded; no matter how hard I tried, the image refused to be framed correctly; the camera malfunctioned. Lots of factors outside my control, but I stupidly just kept pushing the button, pushing the button. Finally I turned to another subject, but again, everything went wrong. I thought that I should stop and check my camera, see if it was on, if it had charged batteries, etc. but no, I kept pushing the button.

So I woke up this morning, secure in the knowledge that I feel inadequate, that I have performance anxiety.  Only, I already knew that.  What I need now is the kick to get me past it.

I don't know what to do besides accept that this draft will not be perfect--nor will the next--and just keep typing one word after the next. Yet, that feels frighteningly like pushing the button.

Any advice from the masses who have trod this hellishly hard way before me?

Comments

[pjthompson]

You are a damned fine writer, Miq, with rounded, real people as your characters and some of the most intricate and interesting plots I've ever come across. Your fears of inadequacy are just that: fears. They have no objective reality.

But saying that won't be enough, I know. I am plagued with fears of inadequacy myself. The only thing I've found that works against them is to just keep pushing on. Every novel I've ever written is a piece of c**p, if I listen to the fears. According to them, I am inflicting myself on innocent bystanders if I ask them to read my stuff. Well, that last part may be true, but... :-)

Just tell those little f**kers to shut the frick up and let you get back to doing what you do supremely well. They are the voices of all the people in your life who told you You Can't and tried to hold you back, who told you to "know your place" and "not get above yourself." They are demons of rot and rotgut. They are crocks of shite. They are bags of hot wind. They are broken records stuck on a crack, they are destructive tape loops programmed into your brain. They have no objective reality.

Get back to work. It is the cure as well as the disease.

Love and kisses and hugs.

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

Thank you, PJ. Saying it isn't enough, no, but it certainly helps.

So, this is me, plunging back into my disease. :)

[pjthompson]

Excellent vector management. :-)