My dreams, how they mark me

[wayfaringwordhack]

I don't know if I should be coming back to LJ-land yet, but well, here I am.  I went offline to force myself to get some writing done, and I did, two chapters' worth (4.5K words).  But I'm still three chapters away from the end. I knew when I decided to write the story that these chapters would be the toughest, hence why I saved them for last. I'm not sure now that that was such a brilliant idea. It makes getting to The End that much harder. As if finishing a book needs to be any harder.

I need to do what all writers and concerned friends of writers counsel and Just Write the First Draft. I know that, but the fears of inadequacy, they cripple me.  And they have spilled over into my dreams of late.

In one dream, I had to infiltrate a diabolical sect, but I couldn't even worship the Devil correctly. He refused me!

Last night, I dreamed that I could not take a photograph to save my life. Everything was against me: the light faded; no matter how hard I tried, the image refused to be framed correctly; the camera malfunctioned. Lots of factors outside my control, but I stupidly just kept pushing the button, pushing the button. Finally I turned to another subject, but again, everything went wrong. I thought that I should stop and check my camera, see if it was on, if it had charged batteries, etc. but no, I kept pushing the button.

So I woke up this morning, secure in the knowledge that I feel inadequate, that I have performance anxiety.  Only, I already knew that.  What I need now is the kick to get me past it.

I don't know what to do besides accept that this draft will not be perfect--nor will the next--and just keep typing one word after the next. Yet, that feels frighteningly like pushing the button.

Any advice from the masses who have trod this hellishly hard way before me?

Comments

[navicat.livejournal.com]

You know, I have this trouble with every single book! I try so hard to make my first draft as good as possible that I struggle just to get it out. And you know, I always end up having to gut and rewrite it anyway -- when my wonderful readers tell me to... :)

So, for the one I'm writing at the moment, I'm working on just letting go. Just HAVE FUN. It doesn't matter if I ramble, or of I repeat myself. Or how strange some of the scenes are turning out O.O Just enjoy the world and the characters and the writing itself will reward you. Honestly, I fought so hard to make bk 2 perfect as I wrote it, and then had to rewrite to SO MUCH. But this one I'm feeling a lot more positive about, and I think it is because of that letting go.

This probably isn't the most helpful advice (cuz you already know it!) but *HUGS* you're not alone! And we can totally do this together!

(ps nice to see you back in lj land. Sometimes logging onto YIM and venting with your fellow writers helps too...)

[rabiagale.livejournal.com]

Yes! Save the angst for revision. *eyes piles of manuscript all over the place* You'll be there soon enough. I'll keep a spot warm for both of you. :D

[navicat.livejournal.com]

Great. Thanks :p

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

It does help because you reminded me that this writing thing can be fun. Ok, the things I'm writing now are not very shiny-happy, but I can still take joy in the creative process.