However this may sound, this is NOT me looking for reassurances

[wayfaringwordhack]

Sometimes--very often of late, if I'm honest--I go through one of those why-in-the-world-do-I-think-have-what-it-takes-to-be-a-writer slumps. In fact, I've gone through multiple ones just today. Slump, slump. Slump. Thump!

I honestly wonder why I keep writing, why I keep playing with stories, when I obviously have some serious lacuna in my storytelling know-how. No matter how I try, how much I think I know about all the little bits that go into great stories, I still weave yarns that are lacking. I have to ask if it is sheer stupidity that keeps me butting my head against the storytelling wall. If I *know* things, why can't I *do* them? I can't even see how it will be possible to do them in another draft. It's as if something is hardwired into me that keeps me from telling a story that will move readers or hold their interest.

Part of me says I'm putting too much pressure on myself for a first draft. A bigger part of me refers the pansy part to the above statement about it not being possible to improve one of my second drafts.

Everyone has a story to tell, people are fond of saying. OK, fine, but should everyone tell a story?

That is the question.

*sigh*  All right. Back the story, stupid.

Comments

[tatterpunk.livejournal.com]

1) Read this (http://www.nanowrimo.org/pep/lemony-snicket). I know, I know, but just... do it. It gives perspective when and where perspective is most needed.

2) Often when you talk about writing I have to bite down on the impulse to ask if I can read yours and discuss it with you (and just become writing buddies in general). But I'm not sure if that would be helpful to you -- surely you must have readers lined up already, who know you and know what kind of books you want to write. And it's not like I have Exclusive Insider Knowledge, being as unpubbed as yourself. Still, the offer is there.

3) If that's not something you're interested in, I have only one question: in your stories, have you kept the personal? Have you included that element -- a character, a journey, a theme -- which is part of you, something you learned and suffered and internalized, which feels so private sometimes the thought of putting it on paper feels deeply fascinating and awful at the same time?

As long as you keep that I believe you will be fine. Everything else is tricks and structure and the ability to make words into sentences into paragraphs into coherent pages; all of which, while not easy, can be corrected in revision. There's no fix for someone handing back your manuscript and saying, "This is fun, but there's nothing honest in it."

I don't mean to be glib -- I really don't -- or suggest unchecked self-insertion. None of this is easy. I just think people confuse "good writing" with "telling a good story," and the latter needs something to it, a kernel of truth which demands communication so that, as coded as it is with magic or murder or just plain lies, the reader responds to it. I think people can't help responding to truth.

Thus concludes my possibly pretentious utterances for the day. ;)

Will come back to this when I'm more here

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

I woke up to this lovely message from you, but I'm unable to appreciate it fully and respond to it correctly because I have been visited by a monstrous head cold. Head cold means brains of mush.

So, I'll get back to you as soon as my brains have a firmer consistency.

I hope you are doing well. Where are you now? What are you up to?

Re: Will come back to this when I'm more here

[tatterpunk.livejournal.com]

Yuck and damnation upon head colds, for truly they are pestilence on this earth. Sending good wishes and eagerly awaiting to hear more from you.

I'm... doing. I recently crash-landed back at my parents' after living in China again. That broke my heart a bit: Beijing is not the city I loved and left five years ago. And then the metaphorical became literal when a doctor told me I had an Actual Health Issue which, while not serious when treated properly, would not allow me to flourish in my then-environs. "This is the worst city in the world to have this problem," were her exact words, and so I sobbed and sobbed (my thyroid was wrecking havoc on my hormones, but still) and booked a ticket home.

And so here I am! I got a write-off from my doctor just yesterday and I am free to go wherever I like now, more or less. I just need to figure out where that may be.

Re: Will come back to this when I'm more here

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

You know, I don't particularly *want* to live in Mayotte again (because the climate and invisible fungi-thingies were out to get me) but I've often thought that I really DON'T want to return because it will not be all the things that made it so special for me. Ah, progress! Ah, turning wheel of time!

As for your health issue, sympathies. I hope things really, truly are cleared up and worthy of a write-off now.

If you want to visit Egypt, know that you have a place to stay. :D

the brain is on the mend

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

Ok, aside from a slight headache and very ouchy sinuses this morning, I'm feeling better, well enough to answer your comment, I think.

1) Thank you for the link to that Lemony Snicket pep talk. It does help to put things in perspective. :P I also read a post on resolutions on terribleminds (http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2012/12/31/25-writer-resolutions-for-2013/ -- not opening for me for some reason, but maybe it will for you) that helped me come at the problem from another angle, despite the over-the-top vulgarity and a tasteless mention of a gangbang. Anything to get me out of my head and moving forward.

2) This is a lovely, scary offer. Lovely because I really enjoy reading your blog (hint, hint) and getting insights into the world through you. Scary, because, girl, you have an awesome brain that I much admire. I would hate to come off as a hack in your eyes, but I would wholly expect you to tell me if I did. I would hate it, but I could take it. Also, I'd feel like a total waste of your time if I showed you my crap first drafts. But, it would be a joyful, time-saving thing to have your help getting unstuck and getting things right (or righter) closer to the get-go.

As for having other readers, once upon a time, I had quite a few, not all of them exactly on the same page but close enough. Alas, Life has happened for almost all of them and I find myself with few readers and people to read for these days. I'm loath to rejoin the OWW because of slog it is to collect good critters.

So to sum up, I'd be honored to be writing buddies with you.

3) The book I'm working on now has a big personal element in it. But I don't think I'm doing it justice. That is unfair, actually, since I haven't finished it yet. What I mean is, I'm having a hard time with a character whose arc comes closest to that Personal Stuff.

I'm still stumbling over that not-easy-but-correctible-in-revision stuff you mention, too. I think I fall too much into the good writing (but not even because I end up trying too hard, perhaps) and not enough into telling a good story.

And nothing pretentious here. See above comment about me liking your brain. :P