A sense of Entitlement
7 Sep 2018 07:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wayfaringwordhack I wanted to make a quick post, but I never know when I can be quick and succinct. Not a good thing for someone who likes to write!
So.
I often make an effort (oh, how I wish I could say "always") to assess why I feel a certain way so that I can correct my course, as it were, and help my children navigate their paths and feelings.
The other day, J told the neighbor with the sheep that we had re-homed our dog, and the neighbor just said, "Oh really? It's done. Well, sheep and dogs are never a good mix."
Feeling raw, as I was, over the whole thing, I was shocked/irked/hurt that the neighbor didn't express any sympathy for our situation, for the fact that we had to give up a pet that was part of the family for almost a year, for the kids who keep asking where Banjo is. It isn't his place to apologize for the situation we caused by getting the dog, but I thought he would be sorry, in a generally sorry way, that it ended the way it did.
But, he wasn't; he wandered off to see his sheep shortly thereafter. He wasn't rude, and there were quite a few pauses in the conversation. So maybe he was sorry, maybe he was processing it all and didn't know how to say whatever he wanted to say.
There I sat, wanting to hear some commiseration. As if I were entitled to it. I had to break that down for a while, really let it settle in that I can't let a sense entitlement be the directing force in my relationship with others. Not only is it ultimately selfish, it is controlling and anger-making.
I already knew these things. But now I know them a little bit better. Hopefully the knowing will go on and on until I really get it, and my relationships with others and myself will be better for it.
So.
I often make an effort (oh, how I wish I could say "always") to assess why I feel a certain way so that I can correct my course, as it were, and help my children navigate their paths and feelings.
The other day, J told the neighbor with the sheep that we had re-homed our dog, and the neighbor just said, "Oh really? It's done. Well, sheep and dogs are never a good mix."
Feeling raw, as I was, over the whole thing, I was shocked/irked/hurt that the neighbor didn't express any sympathy for our situation, for the fact that we had to give up a pet that was part of the family for almost a year, for the kids who keep asking where Banjo is. It isn't his place to apologize for the situation we caused by getting the dog, but I thought he would be sorry, in a generally sorry way, that it ended the way it did.
But, he wasn't; he wandered off to see his sheep shortly thereafter. He wasn't rude, and there were quite a few pauses in the conversation. So maybe he was sorry, maybe he was processing it all and didn't know how to say whatever he wanted to say.
There I sat, wanting to hear some commiseration. As if I were entitled to it. I had to break that down for a while, really let it settle in that I can't let a sense entitlement be the directing force in my relationship with others. Not only is it ultimately selfish, it is controlling and anger-making.
I already knew these things. But now I know them a little bit better. Hopefully the knowing will go on and on until I really get it, and my relationships with others and myself will be better for it.
no subject
Date: 7 Sep 2018 10:58 am (UTC)I've had some--but limited--interaction with people who make their livelihood through agricultural. The experiences come from both the United States and England. In both cases, the people were very unsentimental/understated about the tide of life that comes with agriculture. There's a **lot** of loss and struggle. When I first stayed with my husband's family, before we were married, the farm up the lane was raising sheep, and every winter there would be lambs who didn't make it. When we came back to live there, the family was raising cattle. People did mention, sometimes, kids being sad about this or that thing related to farm life, but it was in a very matter-of-fact way, a very that's-life way. I mean with agriculture, it's so easy to be utterly ruined. We were in England right after the mad cow fear--things like that can kill an industry. Or you're growing crops but there's a drought, and the entire crop is wiped out. Well, you know.
I have no experience with France, and any given person is an individual first and a farmer second, but it could be that that outlook affects how the guy expressed himself.
But **we**, your friends, will and do commiserate. It was really really hard! I'm so sorry for the kids' loss. You absolutely did the right thing--for everyone--but that doesn't do much for the kids' sadness (or yours).
no subject
Date: 7 Sep 2018 01:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 8 Sep 2018 11:24 am (UTC)But no, you weren't entitled to any commiseration, and we cannot change other people--only our own reaction to to them. That said, I don't think it's wrong to have certain expectations of others, maybe not their exact behaviour, but their emotional reaction*. And also to have our own emotional reaction to theirs. Of course deciding what to do with this and then hopefully be able to let it go, is also part of the equation.
(*which is of course why it's difficult in this situation, because he might have been genuinely sorry, even if it wasn't evident)